It's almost that time, when people start looking ahead to the new year and thinking about how things could be improved.
Not me. I like me the way I am. It's not that I'm too old to change, but I just can't seem to improve on what I've become over the years.
Besides, I can't seem to keep a resolution. Once, to shut up a co-worker who insisted everyone make a resolution, I resolved to smoke a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. Figured I could keep that one. I'd been doing it.
Four months later I quit smoking, and that was 21 years ago.
Quitting smoking is always a good idea at any time. Making resolutions for other people is also fun and it's easier to see where other people need to improve.
So here's a few resolutions for some people who seem to need some:
Saddam Hussein: Live each day as if it were your last. Because guess what, camel breath? Your last day is just 'round the bend!
Tara Conner, Miss USA: Learn a trade. You can't get by on tears and second chances, and there's not much call for empty-headed blondes. Maybe you could do typing from home.
Nicole Richie: Eat something!
Fidel Castro: Make your final preparations. The borrowed-tomb for three days thing has already been done, and it didn't work for Francisco Franco either.
Rosie O'Donnell: Take a vow of silence.
Donald Trump: With your money, you can afford a decent barber. Find one!
Have a happy 2007!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Those Glorious M&M Years
Ever notice in women's magazines how all the beauty and grooming tips are for young women?
There's tips for teens, suggestions for women in their 20s, helpful hints for beauties in their 30s. By the time you hit 40, beauty suggestions start hinting about lasers and liposuction. But once you hit the M&M years — between Menopause and Medicare — grooming tips dry up like dishwater hands.
Well the M&M crowd still likes to make an effort. We want to look good, not for our age, but at our age. We don't want to look younger; what's the point of that? We know too much to carry that look off. What we want is for someone to look at us and say, "damn, she looks good," not "she looks good for her age."
It's all in the attitude. If you think you look good, then you look good. If you keep a running tally of your imperfections then you'll live up to your list. And for some reason, our memory is never better when keeping track of our deficits over our sagging assets.
So here are a few beauty tips I've stumbled on over the years.
Do you miss the feeling of soft, smooth, silky skin? Here's a way of getting it back. Let your leg hair grow for about a week, more if you can stand it and don't have to wear a skirt. Then fill a tub full of warm, scented water with your choice of bubble bath. Get out a new disposable razor, and shave it off. Delight in the contrast between stubble and shaved. It will feel so silky smooth you won't believe it.
One other thing. Consider wearing your glasses when you're luxuriating in the tub and removing the stubble. You'll be surprised how much you can miss if you don't. Glasses aren't necessary for the shower; they'll just steam up and you'll never find the soap.
Also, the Vermont Country Store catalog sells products called Tired Old Ass and Aging Hippie. They're bath salts. I used to keep them around because I thought the labels were funny and added a bit of whimsy to my bathroom decor. Then I actually tried the stuff and found that it does feel good on my tired old ass. As for the aging hippie, you'll have to ask one.
Everyone loves smooth, sexy bare feet. Show them off by wearing sandals and by applying liberal, copious amounts of foot cream - or Vaseline. Also apply liberal amounts of bright polish on the toenails. It's not only flirty, fun and kicky but it masks the fact that your toenails are so thick it takes a blowtorch to keep them trimmed.
Keep a pair of nail scissors in your purse, or if you're afraid of stabbing yourself while looking for your AARP identification so you can get a discount, keep a pair in the glove box of your car. I've found that the best time for discovering that your nose hair needs trimming is when you notice it in your rearview mirror in the bright, unforgiving daylight. A few discreet snips and you're good to go. Don't do this while driving. You might run into some little blonde in a red compact car yakking on her cell phone and not paying attention to where she's going.
Keep your chin up. Not for any reasons of optimism, but because if you look downward while looking in a mirror, it's a scary sight to behold.
Remember that knit pants follow the path of a sagging backside. Think denim. Gabardine is good. Wool is wonderful. Cotton is cool.
Remember when the braless look became a fad? Of course you do if you're an M&M girl, don't deny it. Those days are gone. L-O-N-G gone. Get an industrial strength bra and hoist 'em up. It's bad enough that your ass is dragging.
Follow these simple guidelines and enjoy your M&M status!
There's tips for teens, suggestions for women in their 20s, helpful hints for beauties in their 30s. By the time you hit 40, beauty suggestions start hinting about lasers and liposuction. But once you hit the M&M years — between Menopause and Medicare — grooming tips dry up like dishwater hands.
Well the M&M crowd still likes to make an effort. We want to look good, not for our age, but at our age. We don't want to look younger; what's the point of that? We know too much to carry that look off. What we want is for someone to look at us and say, "damn, she looks good," not "she looks good for her age."
It's all in the attitude. If you think you look good, then you look good. If you keep a running tally of your imperfections then you'll live up to your list. And for some reason, our memory is never better when keeping track of our deficits over our sagging assets.
So here are a few beauty tips I've stumbled on over the years.
Do you miss the feeling of soft, smooth, silky skin? Here's a way of getting it back. Let your leg hair grow for about a week, more if you can stand it and don't have to wear a skirt. Then fill a tub full of warm, scented water with your choice of bubble bath. Get out a new disposable razor, and shave it off. Delight in the contrast between stubble and shaved. It will feel so silky smooth you won't believe it.
One other thing. Consider wearing your glasses when you're luxuriating in the tub and removing the stubble. You'll be surprised how much you can miss if you don't. Glasses aren't necessary for the shower; they'll just steam up and you'll never find the soap.
Also, the Vermont Country Store catalog sells products called Tired Old Ass and Aging Hippie. They're bath salts. I used to keep them around because I thought the labels were funny and added a bit of whimsy to my bathroom decor. Then I actually tried the stuff and found that it does feel good on my tired old ass. As for the aging hippie, you'll have to ask one.
Everyone loves smooth, sexy bare feet. Show them off by wearing sandals and by applying liberal, copious amounts of foot cream - or Vaseline. Also apply liberal amounts of bright polish on the toenails. It's not only flirty, fun and kicky but it masks the fact that your toenails are so thick it takes a blowtorch to keep them trimmed.
Keep a pair of nail scissors in your purse, or if you're afraid of stabbing yourself while looking for your AARP identification so you can get a discount, keep a pair in the glove box of your car. I've found that the best time for discovering that your nose hair needs trimming is when you notice it in your rearview mirror in the bright, unforgiving daylight. A few discreet snips and you're good to go. Don't do this while driving. You might run into some little blonde in a red compact car yakking on her cell phone and not paying attention to where she's going.
Keep your chin up. Not for any reasons of optimism, but because if you look downward while looking in a mirror, it's a scary sight to behold.
Remember that knit pants follow the path of a sagging backside. Think denim. Gabardine is good. Wool is wonderful. Cotton is cool.
Remember when the braless look became a fad? Of course you do if you're an M&M girl, don't deny it. Those days are gone. L-O-N-G gone. Get an industrial strength bra and hoist 'em up. It's bad enough that your ass is dragging.
Follow these simple guidelines and enjoy your M&M status!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Clueless in Seattle
To quote good ole Charlie Brown of the Peanuts cartoons: "Oh good grief."
In the spirit of - certainly not the holidays - being politically correct, the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport took down its nine Christmas trees. It seems that a rabbi, Elazar Bogomilsky, had requested a menorah be put up alongside the trees to equalize things.
Now that seems like a reasonable request. Hanaukah begins Friday and although some unenlightened people refer to it as Jewish Christmas, it is a totally different kind of holiday. It simply falls the same time of year and involves gift exchanging, but to a lesser degree than Christmas.
But it seems the good rabbi put a typically American spin on the situation. If the airport didn't put up a menorah, he'd get a lawyer and sue. Lawyers, grinches, all part of the holiday tradition, right?
So the airport threw up its hands and said, take down the trees.
And the rabbi seems baffled by this.
"Evryone should have their spirit of the holiday," he said. "For many people the trees are the spirit of the holidays, and adding a menorah adds light to the season."
Hiring a lawyer adds what?
Here's what his lawyer has to say: "They've darkend the halls instead of turning the lights up," said Harvey Grad. "There is a concern here that the Jewish community will be portrayed as the Grinch."
They were expecting, maybe, the three wise men?
An airport spokesman said the trees came down because the airport staff is busy and doesn't have time "to play cultural anthropologists."
Here's a flash for the rabbi and his lawyer. A Christmas tree has as much to do with the religoius connection to Christmas as a glass of eggnog. It's not a religious symbol; it's a tradition. Kind of like Santa and his reindeer, snowmen and cookies. Get over yourselves.
You may not realize this but some Gentiles are envious that Hanukah hasn't taken on the gigantic greed proportions Christmas has, but has remained largely a religious observance. If you want to get your panties in a wad over something, how about the larceny that little children show with their lists of "I wants" for Santa. Bemoan the retail industry's reliance on Christmas gift sales to keep them afloat the rest of the year. Join us in our headshaking as we watch shoppers take on a mob mentality in an effort to get the latest gadget - purposely limited in number to create a feeding frenzy - so they can sell the item on eBay for twice what they paid for it in the name of "making someone's Christmas a little brighter" - namely their own for scoring a huge profit.
So now, at least in Seattle at the airport, there are no Christmas trees, no menorahs, no festivity of any kind to enlighten travelers.
Instead of dragging a lawyer into this, Rabbi Bogomilsky should have instead empoyed a little creativity. Don't think of them as Christmas trees. There were no cedar trees in Bethlehem - certainly no artificial trees with red bows and ribbons. Think of them as Hanukah bushes.
Makes about as much sense, and certainly doesn't have to involve a lawyer.
In the spirit of - certainly not the holidays - being politically correct, the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport took down its nine Christmas trees. It seems that a rabbi, Elazar Bogomilsky, had requested a menorah be put up alongside the trees to equalize things.
Now that seems like a reasonable request. Hanaukah begins Friday and although some unenlightened people refer to it as Jewish Christmas, it is a totally different kind of holiday. It simply falls the same time of year and involves gift exchanging, but to a lesser degree than Christmas.
But it seems the good rabbi put a typically American spin on the situation. If the airport didn't put up a menorah, he'd get a lawyer and sue. Lawyers, grinches, all part of the holiday tradition, right?
So the airport threw up its hands and said, take down the trees.
And the rabbi seems baffled by this.
"Evryone should have their spirit of the holiday," he said. "For many people the trees are the spirit of the holidays, and adding a menorah adds light to the season."
Hiring a lawyer adds what?
Here's what his lawyer has to say: "They've darkend the halls instead of turning the lights up," said Harvey Grad. "There is a concern here that the Jewish community will be portrayed as the Grinch."
They were expecting, maybe, the three wise men?
An airport spokesman said the trees came down because the airport staff is busy and doesn't have time "to play cultural anthropologists."
Here's a flash for the rabbi and his lawyer. A Christmas tree has as much to do with the religoius connection to Christmas as a glass of eggnog. It's not a religious symbol; it's a tradition. Kind of like Santa and his reindeer, snowmen and cookies. Get over yourselves.
You may not realize this but some Gentiles are envious that Hanukah hasn't taken on the gigantic greed proportions Christmas has, but has remained largely a religious observance. If you want to get your panties in a wad over something, how about the larceny that little children show with their lists of "I wants" for Santa. Bemoan the retail industry's reliance on Christmas gift sales to keep them afloat the rest of the year. Join us in our headshaking as we watch shoppers take on a mob mentality in an effort to get the latest gadget - purposely limited in number to create a feeding frenzy - so they can sell the item on eBay for twice what they paid for it in the name of "making someone's Christmas a little brighter" - namely their own for scoring a huge profit.
So now, at least in Seattle at the airport, there are no Christmas trees, no menorahs, no festivity of any kind to enlighten travelers.
Instead of dragging a lawyer into this, Rabbi Bogomilsky should have instead empoyed a little creativity. Don't think of them as Christmas trees. There were no cedar trees in Bethlehem - certainly no artificial trees with red bows and ribbons. Think of them as Hanukah bushes.
Makes about as much sense, and certainly doesn't have to involve a lawyer.
Monday, December 4, 2006
Christmas shopping list
So, you're all about Christmas shopping and you think your Christmas list is too short. (Notice, I didn't say 'holiday' shopping; how in-your-face politically incorrect do I want to get?) Here's a few ideas for anyone who wants someone to shop for and some helpful gift suggestions.
Michael Richards. Michael's been a bad boy, but he's been contrite. Let's give him a tuition-paid scholarship to the Mel Gibson School of Charm and Diplomacy.
The Two Young Men Michael Richards (allegedly) Insulted. Sandpaper. They should apply it liberally over their skin to make it thicker and tougher. Isn't enough that Michael said he's sorry; did you really have to go to a lawyer and say you want money for being insulted after you were rude first?
O.J. Simpson: Let's give OJ what he would have had coming to him had he REALLY killed his ex-wife and her friend.
Anna Nichole Smith, Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, and any other clueless bimbo I may have forgotten. Vanishing cream.
John Bolton and Donald Rumsfeld. These two guys need jobs. Any Wal-Marts out there need greeters?
Osama bin Laden. He's been a very bad boy. Give Osama some coal. Right up the chute.
Dolly Parton. Unfettered support. After all she wrote the book on being classy, down to earth, successful and looking really good at 60 (and I couldn't resist the boob pun).
Homeless cats everywhere: A warm, comfy lap to sit on, and a secure home with unlimited tummy snorgles.
Harrison Ford: My phone number.
Merry Christmas!
Michael Richards. Michael's been a bad boy, but he's been contrite. Let's give him a tuition-paid scholarship to the Mel Gibson School of Charm and Diplomacy.
The Two Young Men Michael Richards (allegedly) Insulted. Sandpaper. They should apply it liberally over their skin to make it thicker and tougher. Isn't enough that Michael said he's sorry; did you really have to go to a lawyer and say you want money for being insulted after you were rude first?
O.J. Simpson: Let's give OJ what he would have had coming to him had he REALLY killed his ex-wife and her friend.
Anna Nichole Smith, Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Pamela Anderson, and any other clueless bimbo I may have forgotten. Vanishing cream.
John Bolton and Donald Rumsfeld. These two guys need jobs. Any Wal-Marts out there need greeters?
Osama bin Laden. He's been a very bad boy. Give Osama some coal. Right up the chute.
Dolly Parton. Unfettered support. After all she wrote the book on being classy, down to earth, successful and looking really good at 60 (and I couldn't resist the boob pun).
Homeless cats everywhere: A warm, comfy lap to sit on, and a secure home with unlimited tummy snorgles.
Harrison Ford: My phone number.
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Gas pains
Think about it:
During the election season, gas prices were under$2 a gallon. On election day, the gas stations didn't have the courtesy to wait until the votes were counted; the price geysered up over $2 a gallon again. Then when I figured I might as well fill up because the prices aren't going to go down again, the next day they were under $2 again.
So, yesterday the weather forecast calls for freezing rain and snow. That means two things: 1) clean all the grocery stores out of bread and milk and 2) fill your gas tank. Gas prices go up in inverse proportion to the outdoor temperature.
Am I the only one to be suspicious of the way gas prices yo yo in response to demand, never mind supply. There's gas to be had; for the right people, there's also money to be had.
Speaking of gas, whatever happened to gas stations? When did convenience stores take over? Used to be your car did something funny and you could pull into a service station and ask a mechanic to look at it and fix it. Where did all those gas stations mechanics go? Remember full service gas pump islands? I'd rather have a mechanic who can check my tires and clean off my windshield than some kid behind a counter who knows only how to pump cappucino that costs as much as a gallon of gas into a paper cup.
During the election season, gas prices were under$2 a gallon. On election day, the gas stations didn't have the courtesy to wait until the votes were counted; the price geysered up over $2 a gallon again. Then when I figured I might as well fill up because the prices aren't going to go down again, the next day they were under $2 again.
So, yesterday the weather forecast calls for freezing rain and snow. That means two things: 1) clean all the grocery stores out of bread and milk and 2) fill your gas tank. Gas prices go up in inverse proportion to the outdoor temperature.
Am I the only one to be suspicious of the way gas prices yo yo in response to demand, never mind supply. There's gas to be had; for the right people, there's also money to be had.
Speaking of gas, whatever happened to gas stations? When did convenience stores take over? Used to be your car did something funny and you could pull into a service station and ask a mechanic to look at it and fix it. Where did all those gas stations mechanics go? Remember full service gas pump islands? I'd rather have a mechanic who can check my tires and clean off my windshield than some kid behind a counter who knows only how to pump cappucino that costs as much as a gallon of gas into a paper cup.
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