New Year's Resolutions

It's almost that time, when people start looking ahead to the new year and thinking about how things could be improved.

Not me. I like me the way I am. It's not that I'm too old to change, but I just can't seem to improve on what I've become over the years.

Besides, I can't seem to keep a resolution. Once, to shut up a co-worker who insisted everyone make a resolution, I resolved to smoke a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. Figured I could keep that one. I'd been doing it.

Four months later I quit smoking, and that was 21 years ago.

Quitting smoking is always a good idea at any time. Making resolutions for other people is also fun and it's easier to see where other people need to improve.

So here's a few resolutions for some people who seem to need some:

Saddam Hussein: Live each day as if it were your last. Because guess what, camel breath? Your last day is just 'round the bend!

Tara Conner, Miss USA: Learn a trade. You can't get by on tears and second chances, and there's not much call for empty-headed blondes. Maybe you could do typing from home.

Nicole Richie: Eat something!

Fidel Castro: Make your final preparations. The borrowed-tomb for three days thing has already been done, and it didn't work for Francisco Franco either.

Rosie O'Donnell: Take a vow of silence.

Donald Trump: With your money, you can afford a decent barber. Find one!

Have a happy 2007!