Vote for the DIMWIT

Who would have believed that in my lifetime a woman would be Speaker of the House, proving that a woman's place is in the House - and the Senate.

And it looks like Hillary Rodham Clinton is looking to move back into the White House, this time as head of the White Household.

I think I'll give her some competition. She may have a lot of party backing, but I don't owe anyone any political favors. I have my own party - the DIMWIT party (Do It My Way, It's Time). A vote for me is a vote for what's really important in this country. Those folks in the Beltway have lost track of what Americans really think is important. When I'm Queen of the United States, which is what I really deserve to be but I'll settle for president, things will be different.

There will be no professional athletes. Guys like to play football, baseball, soccer? Fine. But they need to have real jobs so they can afford to play. They need to be on the same playing field, as it were, with those who watch the games, who look up to them, who buy the beer and hotdogs and pay the taxes that build the stadiums. A baseball player who can slug a homer after listening to his boss set sales quotas for the next quarter will let of steam in a positive manner and be less likely to have an overinflated ego that leads people to do stupid things.

People who take themselves seriously — are you listening Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell? — will be required to clean out dog cages and cat boxes at animal shelters. The material they'll be working with will give them perspective, and the effort will give them humility. And the dogs and cats will appreciate it.

NASA will be given extra funding, not for Mars exploration or to go back to the moon, but for a halfway project. People who make no discernible social contributions will be sent halfway to the moon and left there for a while. The rest of us will benefit from not hearing about Britney Spears and her Fed-Ex husband, Kevin Federline; and Paris Hilton, whose only contribution so far is to be a living definition of the word vacuous. And Congress - be afraid. Be very afraid.

Research money will be lavished on projects that really benefit the public. We don't need any more gadgets like VCR and 8 track tape players that are obsolete as soon as they become affordable. We don't need a new generation of cell phones that make it possible to be a new generation of annoying. We need technology that will develop wrinkle free cotton and linen that will render irons obsolete. Bring on vacuum cleaners that sense when the floors need a going over and do it while we sit with our feet up and out of their way. How about a dishwasher that unloads itself and stacks the clean dishes in the appropriate cabinets? A car that runs on used cat litter?

These are just a start. There are other issues that need to be addressed, but I'm right now just testing the political waters. I'm listening to potential constituents who have their own issues. I feel your pain. I support your gain. Now, consider voting for me to be the first DIMWIT in the White House.

Or maybe not.