Not Just Another Dumb Award

Finally. An award I can hang my hat on. I don't want this particular award, but I know a lot of people who should have it.

It's the International Twit Award. I haven't found much about where it is held, how to nominate someone, what the prize money amounts to or if it's for international twits or it's an international award. Has to be the latter because there's just so darned many of them.

I also couldn't find any notice of who previous winners have been.

I only know that there is such an award and it's awarded in April. And I know that twits are silly and annoying people.

I might have found some of this stuff out if I 'd looked harder, but I was so taken by the notion of the award, and its possibilities, that I just didn't care much to do the research.

I'm too busy now thinking of people who deserve the award.

There's the guy in Michigan I read about who sued his sister's insurance company because her cat bit him. She told him not to mess with the cat; it tends to bite. But no-o-o-o-o. He teases the cat and the cat, rightfully, chomped him. What a twit.

A jury awarded him $122,400 in damages. Twits by the dozen.

It's a little harder to pinpoint the next nominee, but I'm sure you've met people like this. They have adopted a cat, and they like the cat, and the cats apparently like the respective adoptive people. Then they go and say something like, "he's more like a dog than a cat." Like that's a compliment? If a cat shows affection and follows someone around, it's because it's a nice cat who likes the person - and probably thinks it will get some food if it follows far enough. Dogs don't have a corner on that market. Twit!

Or how about the guy I saw yesterday walking down the street. It was a warm, spring day. His shirt was off, showing the tattoo on his scrawny, pasty white back, and his pants were about six inches from where they were supposed to be, showing off the top of his green underwear. He thought he looked hot. Or looked tough. He looked like a twit.

And don't you just love to see men roll down the window of their pickups and hear the melodic sound of their throat clearing and see the accuracy with which they can expectorate? Listen to the song of the birdie: twit, twit, twit!

The possibilities are endless: smokers, mothers who let their children run wild, people who want to rewrite history by banning the Confederate flag, those who claim it's their God given right to individual freedom not to wear seat belts or motorcycle helmets. Congress. I could go on and on.

I can't imagine what the prize is for being a twit award winner. Nor can I imagine who is qualified to judge and have the final say in selecting the grand champion, big-time, grand hoo-ha international twit.

But I'll volunteer anyway. I know one when I see one.