Yes! Chemise please!

It was like a bad dream. There I was in a clothing store, and there were racks and racks of items all marked down 60 percent. That's a good markdown, not like some places that think they're giving you a bargain with a 20 percent off sale. This was 60 percent. There was even a rack of stuff all marked $12.95.

I had money. They had my size. Alas, they didn't have anything my age.

When did that happen? I seem to be caught in the crossfire between "I want something that's pretty" and "I don't want to look like an old woman." Trouble is, I'm about to hit a birthday that ends in "0" and I'm not ready to go matronly.

But there seems to be a choice only between "old lady" and "really, really young." Lots of baby-doll blouses with high waistlines that, if you're 20, accentuate the bustline. If you're ?0*, your boobs are so far below that empire waistline nothing can save them. It's the same with dresses. All you find anymore are dresses with a high waist and a skirt that goes to the ankle. Boring. Not flattering, especially if you have hips.

Spring fashion predictions extol the clothing line called "Baby Phat." Cute. But show me something to cover up "Old Broad Fat."

Hot for this spring are skinny leg jeans. Ain't no way I can get my substantial thighs into skinny leg jeans. At my age, if I get winded just zipping up my pants, then they ain't worth wearing, as the song goes, "skinny legs and all."

So what's in style this spring and summer? Baby Phat is also pushing high neck halter dresses with bubble-hem skirts. Just the thing to wear with an industrial strength bra and support hose.

Marie Claire magazine touts wedges and platform shoes. I couldn't walk on them in the 70s without breaking an ankle. Thank heavens I can still find flats.

According to Harper's Bazaar (or is that Bizarre?), those blasted empire line dresses are still with us, but wait! I can't believe my eyes! Sack dresses are coming back!

Oh, joy! I loved sack dresses. They're comfortable, they're slimming, and they flatter every figure. Not only that, they're pretty.

In the 1970s they were called shifts. But in the 1950s they were called chemises. Remember Gerry Ganahan's 1958 song "No Chemise Please?" "You can take back the sack, leave it hanging on the rack, and bring the sweater back."

These days I wear sweaters for warmth, not for any fashion statement (see above reference to sagging boobs). But I would wear a chemise. Or a sack. Whateaver you want to call it. A shift? Why not; it describes what's happened to my body. Everything has shifted.

(And no, I didn't automatically know who sang the song. I remembered the words, and I knew it was the '50s, but I had to Google it. Amazing what one can find on the Internet.)

*Here's a hint: the last line James Garner says in the movie "Murphy's Romance."