My theory on global warming

Being a citizen of the world — and especially one who would like to rule the place — it's time to tackle this global warming thing.

Now if memory serves me correctly, this isn't the first time in the Earth's long history that things have heated up a bit. And, what heats up usually cools down. That's how archaeologists have found evidence of tropical forests and sea life in areas now not tropical and all that wet. And remember, there was an ice age that formed all those glaciers we're now worried about melting away.

Point being: the earth changes. We're not all that significant in the higher order of things to affect change that much one way or another. For the creationists out there: it's all in God's hand.

However I do have some opinions about how we are contributing to global warming that Al Gore may have missed.

(As an aside to Al, your son running a Prius as 100 mph while high on weed ain't helping.)

Here's what I think is heating up the Earth:

Daylight Savings Time. That extra hour of daylight we are stuck with six months out of the year that get naturally lighter anyway is causing polar ice caps to melt. Stop messing with the clock, leave time the way it's supposed to be, and we'll never have to fear that polar bears will be homeless.

Physical fitness. All those joggers, runners, bicyclists that create traffic hazards at rush hour are working up a sweat and raising the heat index. Same with people who do high impact aerobics. When they get that burn going, that burn is creating heat and melting the ice caps and the ozone layer. Chill, people. Literally.

Methane gas. Some scientists somewhere claim that eructating cattle — how's that for a two-dollar word — are belching and farting our environment into a danger zone. I think they have help: spectators at minor league baseball games and guys at family reunion picnics, sports bars, frat houses; anyone who says "pull my finger."

All those people who gather together throughout the day outside businesses and smoke. That much smoke from cigarettes and all those matches and lighter going off at one time have some responsibiity in this supposed crisis. And with many more cities and states banning smoking indoors, it's not going to get any better. Quit smoking people. The penguins' lives are at stake.

For my part I'll give up thinking about Harrison Ford and getting all hot and bothered.

Do It My Way

Are you as sick of Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, and all the other presidential wannabes as I am?

Ever wish there was a space on the November ballot that read "None of the above"?

Ever get the feeling that choosing a president is kind of like voting for a prom queen?

You think I have a solution for all of the above? Of course not. But there's a way of making one small statement about the whole mess. You know you're spitting into the wind, but you do it anyway.

The solution is to run for president.

A list published by Project Vote Smart includes about 100 Americans who have declared their intentions to seek the most thankless job in the world. Some of them are Republican, some Democrat, some Independent, Green, Humanistic, and some of them we've actually heard of.

For the rest of them, there is a greater likelihood of running into Queen Elizabeth at Wal-Mart than there is getting on a ballot. But why not be that one voice in the wilderness saying "Forget these clowns and vote for me."

Couldn't hurt. Who knows. One of them might be an improvement over the better known candidates — one whose first name sounds like a belch, a woman with a no-good cheating husband, and a guy whose name reminds you of a barbecue tool or a baseball catcher. This is what we have to choose from?

So I'm going to join them. Haven't filled out my PVS questionnaire yet, but I already know the party I am forming will stand out among the Republicans, Libertarians, Democrats, ad nauseum. I'm the founder and so far sole member of the DIMWIT party - Do It My Way, It's Time.

On the PVS-sanctioned issues, or some of them anyway, I stand firm in my belief that we've got the immigration issue backwards. Instead of trying to stem the flow of people coming here looking for jobs, we should be bringing back American jobs that went to Mexico (and why are they coming here if our jobs are going there? Go figure.) Global warming? Quit sending up that space shuttle. The thing goes right through the ozone layer. Terrorists? Remember Hiroshima? That worked.

Wanna know what else PVS wants to know about presidential candidates? Really important stuff that voters really are concerned about:

Pets (include names); Hobbies/Special Talents (does finding an 80 percent off sale count as a special talent?); First Job;
First Car; Current Car; Favorite Food; Favorite Movie; Favorite TV Shows; Favorite Actor/Actress; Favorite Book; Favorite Websites; Favorite Author; Favorite Color; Favorite Type of Music, Favorite Musician, Favorite Sport; Favorite Athlete; Favorite Vacation Spot; Favorite Quote; Personal Hero and Why; Favorite President and Why; Name one thing you would most like to do before you die (besides being President); and Person you would most like to meet (dead or alive) and why.

If this is what voters base their decision on, then maybe one of us has a shot at it. But I'll tell you why I stand out. I'm the only one who won't be insulted if you call me a DIMWIT.