My theory on global warming

Being a citizen of the world — and especially one who would like to rule the place — it's time to tackle this global warming thing.

Now if memory serves me correctly, this isn't the first time in the Earth's long history that things have heated up a bit. And, what heats up usually cools down. That's how archaeologists have found evidence of tropical forests and sea life in areas now not tropical and all that wet. And remember, there was an ice age that formed all those glaciers we're now worried about melting away.

Point being: the earth changes. We're not all that significant in the higher order of things to affect change that much one way or another. For the creationists out there: it's all in God's hand.

However I do have some opinions about how we are contributing to global warming that Al Gore may have missed.

(As an aside to Al, your son running a Prius as 100 mph while high on weed ain't helping.)

Here's what I think is heating up the Earth:

Daylight Savings Time. That extra hour of daylight we are stuck with six months out of the year that get naturally lighter anyway is causing polar ice caps to melt. Stop messing with the clock, leave time the way it's supposed to be, and we'll never have to fear that polar bears will be homeless.

Physical fitness. All those joggers, runners, bicyclists that create traffic hazards at rush hour are working up a sweat and raising the heat index. Same with people who do high impact aerobics. When they get that burn going, that burn is creating heat and melting the ice caps and the ozone layer. Chill, people. Literally.

Methane gas. Some scientists somewhere claim that eructating cattle — how's that for a two-dollar word — are belching and farting our environment into a danger zone. I think they have help: spectators at minor league baseball games and guys at family reunion picnics, sports bars, frat houses; anyone who says "pull my finger."

All those people who gather together throughout the day outside businesses and smoke. That much smoke from cigarettes and all those matches and lighter going off at one time have some responsibiity in this supposed crisis. And with many more cities and states banning smoking indoors, it's not going to get any better. Quit smoking people. The penguins' lives are at stake.

For my part I'll give up thinking about Harrison Ford and getting all hot and bothered.