Resolutions for those who really need them - not me

So we’re getting close to the new year, and you can almost hear the sound of shattering New Year’s resolutions from afar.
Not that I ever make any. To make a resolution at any time of the year would be like admitting imperfection. I like me the way I am.
Besides, it’s easier to make New Year’s resolutions for someone else. It takes an impartial observer to size up where someone is lacking and then make constructive suggestions for improvement.
So in the interest of helping others in need, I offer some New Year’s resolutions to those who seem to be in need.

Heather Mills McCartney (concerning her rather vituperative remarks about her divorce from her ex-husband): Take the advice from a venerable old song and “Let It Be.” I wonder who wrote that?

Sen. Larry Craig: Keep your closets clean and tidy. Are you loitering in them? Maybe you shouldn’t.

The members of the food police who tell us what’s bad for us: Have a doughnut. Go on. Enjoy!

The ditzy drivers who have nearly T-boned me on the roads (I would say you know who you are, but chances are you don’t, but neither do I): Leave your cell phone in your purse or pocket, whichever is applicable. Try to make 2008 the year you focus on one task at a time, first get there; then make your calls.

Britney Spears: Get in control — start with birth control (“Oops I Did It Again” never was all that clever), then work your way up to control of your habits and your life.

Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Edward, Mitt Romney, ad nauseam: Be nice. Play fair. Go away.

O.J. Simpson: Take up a hobby. I don’t advise collecting sports memorabilia or writing your memoirs. Maybe something in the way of helping the community.

Producers of TV “reality” shows: Get real. Really.

U.S. Congress: Oh, my. Where to begin? A pork-free existence? Live within our means (no, that’s not a typo; they are OUR means you’re living within)? But just for starters, give us the kind of health care benefits you have. We’ll go from there next year.

Barry Bonds, Mark Maguire, etc.: Say it ain’t so.

The Hershey Company: Create a chocolate bar that has zero carbs, no sugar, no fat, and tastes like a Hershey bar.

Nestle, Ghirardeli, and Godiva: Beat Hershey to the punch.

Sarah Lee: Do the same with jelly doughnuts and cheesecake.