When I said I was going to market ice cubes as frozen hot water, just pop one in to the microwave and enjoy a cup of hot tea instantly, my tongue was firmly in cheek.
Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. Someone is going to read that and steal my idea. That person will get rich.
It's all in the marketing. Ice cubes are already sold in bags, crystal clear with holes in the middle like a doughnut. But they're marketed toward people who want cold drinks. No one has thought of suggesting that a handful of those cubes in the microwave will result in the basis for instant soup. No messy splashing of water from the faucet. No faucet chemicals or crud. Just nice clean, frozen hot water.
Think that's far fetched? Think pet rock. The guy who put facial features on a rock and sold it as a pet made a fortune. Marketing.
Most modern art is marketing. Make up a grandiose story about how an artist thinks out of the box and is a bona fide eccentric, and snooty art patrons fall over themselves to buy their paintings or sculptures. Put a paint brush on a dog's tail and let him wag it over a canvas, and the results will sell like hotcakes and art experts will gush over depth, contrast and raw talent. Marketing.
Frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Takes longer to nuke one in the microwave than it would to actually make a fresh one, but hey. It's new and different. The inventor no doubt has made enough dough to hire someone to cut the crusts off his sandwich. Marketing.
That's why I'm not rich. I come up with these ideas and don't act on them. Maybe I should. But for the gullibility of the consuming public and some questionable karma, I am stuck thinking up ideas, not acting on them, and living on a much lower scale than I should be.
Think I'm being far fetched? I give you Big Ox.
It's a can of oxygen. People inhale it. Some cans are mint flavored. Someone is selling a CAN OF AIR! That beats frozen hot water hands down.
Not only that, it's selling for $12 a can. Breathtaking!
Scientists tested Big Ox to see if it measured up to the oxygen in tanks that is available to people who can't breathe. It contains pure oxygen, but not enough to warrant coughing up $12 for a can of it.
So tell me. Is there an oxygen shortage? Do we have to start canning the stuff? Can't you just go outside and take a deep breath? Sure you get some bonus grass pollens, but at least the oxygen is free.
A pulmonologist remarked that any perceived benefits of Big Ox is a placebo effect. Nope. Marketing.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Microwavable hot water
Now I appreciate convenience as much as the next person. But I wonder if we're not becoming a society of people too lazy to live.
No one can argue, at least not effectively, that vacuum cleaners have it all over brooms when it comes to sucking up dust. And bless the person who invented the dishwasher. And self-cleaning ovens? Whoever came up wth those — and you know it was a woman — is a candidate for sainthood.
I can remember when my mother washed clothes, she hung them out to dry on a clothesline, secured them with clothespins kept in a clothespin sack that hung on the line and slid along as she worked. And when she washed sheer curtains, she set up a wooden contraption called a curtain stretcher where she tacked on the wet curtains and they dried in the sun, no shrinking and no ironing.
Clothes dried in the sun smell wonderful. But when it rains and you had to hang stuff up in the house, the smell became dank and the clothes didn't dry. So dryers are a wonderful convenience, and I don't even mind cleaning out the lint trap.
But I have to question some conveniences. Take for instance instant tea. What's so difficult about putting a tea bag or two in a teapot, pouring hot water over them and letting them steep? Takes how long? Two or three minutes. With instant tea you still have to heat the water so where's the savings? If you're making iced tea, you're pouring brewed tea over ice cubes to cool down. Where's the time savings there? But mostly, have you tasted instant tea?
So if you're really lazy you can buy iced tea in a bottle in the refrigerator section of your supermarket. That's convenient. Let somene else do the work, brew the tea, cool it down, bottle it. Takes a second or two to grab one from the fridge, pop open the top and drink it. Convenient? Sure. But it's instant tea. It tastes awful. What are we doing with the time we saved by not brewing our own tea?
Probably making microwave popcorn. The microwave is a wondrful gadget, but it doesn't take that much time to drag out a beatup saucepan, heat up some oil, throw in some kernels and then shake the pot until the popped corn overflows. Otherwise, we sit there watching a flat bag spin around on the turntable, puff up, and then when we open it, we find that - like the instant tea - it tastes funny.
What really inspired this rant is a commercial I heard on the radio recently for the convenience food to end all convenience foods. Frozen, pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, made with Jiff peanut butter and Smuckers preserves. Now what's so difficult and time consuming about slapping some peanut butter on a slice of bread, spreading on some jelly, and topping it with another slice of bread? The frozen delights come crustless. Well, if you don't want to take the time to cut off the crusts, just cut the sandwich in half and eat down to the crust.
Don't ask me if they taste the same as a homemade PB&J. I refuse to try them. Instead, I'm going to join the marketing bandwagon and make my fortune selling a convenience. All it takes is a little plastic tray divided into sections. Fill it with water, freeze it, and voila — frozen hot water. Pop one in a cup, heat in the microwave, and the possibilities are endless.
No one can argue, at least not effectively, that vacuum cleaners have it all over brooms when it comes to sucking up dust. And bless the person who invented the dishwasher. And self-cleaning ovens? Whoever came up wth those — and you know it was a woman — is a candidate for sainthood.
I can remember when my mother washed clothes, she hung them out to dry on a clothesline, secured them with clothespins kept in a clothespin sack that hung on the line and slid along as she worked. And when she washed sheer curtains, she set up a wooden contraption called a curtain stretcher where she tacked on the wet curtains and they dried in the sun, no shrinking and no ironing.
Clothes dried in the sun smell wonderful. But when it rains and you had to hang stuff up in the house, the smell became dank and the clothes didn't dry. So dryers are a wonderful convenience, and I don't even mind cleaning out the lint trap.
But I have to question some conveniences. Take for instance instant tea. What's so difficult about putting a tea bag or two in a teapot, pouring hot water over them and letting them steep? Takes how long? Two or three minutes. With instant tea you still have to heat the water so where's the savings? If you're making iced tea, you're pouring brewed tea over ice cubes to cool down. Where's the time savings there? But mostly, have you tasted instant tea?
So if you're really lazy you can buy iced tea in a bottle in the refrigerator section of your supermarket. That's convenient. Let somene else do the work, brew the tea, cool it down, bottle it. Takes a second or two to grab one from the fridge, pop open the top and drink it. Convenient? Sure. But it's instant tea. It tastes awful. What are we doing with the time we saved by not brewing our own tea?
Probably making microwave popcorn. The microwave is a wondrful gadget, but it doesn't take that much time to drag out a beatup saucepan, heat up some oil, throw in some kernels and then shake the pot until the popped corn overflows. Otherwise, we sit there watching a flat bag spin around on the turntable, puff up, and then when we open it, we find that - like the instant tea - it tastes funny.
What really inspired this rant is a commercial I heard on the radio recently for the convenience food to end all convenience foods. Frozen, pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, made with Jiff peanut butter and Smuckers preserves. Now what's so difficult and time consuming about slapping some peanut butter on a slice of bread, spreading on some jelly, and topping it with another slice of bread? The frozen delights come crustless. Well, if you don't want to take the time to cut off the crusts, just cut the sandwich in half and eat down to the crust.
Don't ask me if they taste the same as a homemade PB&J. I refuse to try them. Instead, I'm going to join the marketing bandwagon and make my fortune selling a convenience. All it takes is a little plastic tray divided into sections. Fill it with water, freeze it, and voila — frozen hot water. Pop one in a cup, heat in the microwave, and the possibilities are endless.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Vote for the DIMWIT
Who would have believed that in my lifetime a woman would be Speaker of the House, proving that a woman's place is in the House - and the Senate.
And it looks like Hillary Rodham Clinton is looking to move back into the White House, this time as head of the White Household.
I think I'll give her some competition. She may have a lot of party backing, but I don't owe anyone any political favors. I have my own party - the DIMWIT party (Do It My Way, It's Time). A vote for me is a vote for what's really important in this country. Those folks in the Beltway have lost track of what Americans really think is important. When I'm Queen of the United States, which is what I really deserve to be but I'll settle for president, things will be different.
There will be no professional athletes. Guys like to play football, baseball, soccer? Fine. But they need to have real jobs so they can afford to play. They need to be on the same playing field, as it were, with those who watch the games, who look up to them, who buy the beer and hotdogs and pay the taxes that build the stadiums. A baseball player who can slug a homer after listening to his boss set sales quotas for the next quarter will let of steam in a positive manner and be less likely to have an overinflated ego that leads people to do stupid things.
People who take themselves seriously — are you listening Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell? — will be required to clean out dog cages and cat boxes at animal shelters. The material they'll be working with will give them perspective, and the effort will give them humility. And the dogs and cats will appreciate it.
NASA will be given extra funding, not for Mars exploration or to go back to the moon, but for a halfway project. People who make no discernible social contributions will be sent halfway to the moon and left there for a while. The rest of us will benefit from not hearing about Britney Spears and her Fed-Ex husband, Kevin Federline; and Paris Hilton, whose only contribution so far is to be a living definition of the word vacuous. And Congress - be afraid. Be very afraid.
Research money will be lavished on projects that really benefit the public. We don't need any more gadgets like VCR and 8 track tape players that are obsolete as soon as they become affordable. We don't need a new generation of cell phones that make it possible to be a new generation of annoying. We need technology that will develop wrinkle free cotton and linen that will render irons obsolete. Bring on vacuum cleaners that sense when the floors need a going over and do it while we sit with our feet up and out of their way. How about a dishwasher that unloads itself and stacks the clean dishes in the appropriate cabinets? A car that runs on used cat litter?
These are just a start. There are other issues that need to be addressed, but I'm right now just testing the political waters. I'm listening to potential constituents who have their own issues. I feel your pain. I support your gain. Now, consider voting for me to be the first DIMWIT in the White House.
Or maybe not.
And it looks like Hillary Rodham Clinton is looking to move back into the White House, this time as head of the White Household.
I think I'll give her some competition. She may have a lot of party backing, but I don't owe anyone any political favors. I have my own party - the DIMWIT party (Do It My Way, It's Time). A vote for me is a vote for what's really important in this country. Those folks in the Beltway have lost track of what Americans really think is important. When I'm Queen of the United States, which is what I really deserve to be but I'll settle for president, things will be different.
There will be no professional athletes. Guys like to play football, baseball, soccer? Fine. But they need to have real jobs so they can afford to play. They need to be on the same playing field, as it were, with those who watch the games, who look up to them, who buy the beer and hotdogs and pay the taxes that build the stadiums. A baseball player who can slug a homer after listening to his boss set sales quotas for the next quarter will let of steam in a positive manner and be less likely to have an overinflated ego that leads people to do stupid things.
People who take themselves seriously — are you listening Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell? — will be required to clean out dog cages and cat boxes at animal shelters. The material they'll be working with will give them perspective, and the effort will give them humility. And the dogs and cats will appreciate it.
NASA will be given extra funding, not for Mars exploration or to go back to the moon, but for a halfway project. People who make no discernible social contributions will be sent halfway to the moon and left there for a while. The rest of us will benefit from not hearing about Britney Spears and her Fed-Ex husband, Kevin Federline; and Paris Hilton, whose only contribution so far is to be a living definition of the word vacuous. And Congress - be afraid. Be very afraid.
Research money will be lavished on projects that really benefit the public. We don't need any more gadgets like VCR and 8 track tape players that are obsolete as soon as they become affordable. We don't need a new generation of cell phones that make it possible to be a new generation of annoying. We need technology that will develop wrinkle free cotton and linen that will render irons obsolete. Bring on vacuum cleaners that sense when the floors need a going over and do it while we sit with our feet up and out of their way. How about a dishwasher that unloads itself and stacks the clean dishes in the appropriate cabinets? A car that runs on used cat litter?
These are just a start. There are other issues that need to be addressed, but I'm right now just testing the political waters. I'm listening to potential constituents who have their own issues. I feel your pain. I support your gain. Now, consider voting for me to be the first DIMWIT in the White House.
Or maybe not.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
An Iconic WHAT?
So there I was in a doctor's office this morning, which is where I usually get to read Time magazine because he can afford a subscription and I'm too cheap to buy one.
Amazing stuff you can read in Time. This was the Christmas edition when "everyone" was named person of the year. Hold your applause, please; I share this award with so many....
Anyway, how can I accept applause when I've been overshadowed by an "iconic blonde?" There featured among quotes from notable people was one that went something like "every era has an iconic blonde like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana. This is my time." Paris Hilton said it.
So that's what she does! Who among us has ever said "When I grow up I want to be an iconic blonde?" Who among us would imagine that Paris Hilton would know what 'iconic' means? You think of blonde you usually affix the prefix "dumb." Hence the jokes. Think Anna Nicole Smith. Think Dolly Parton who says blonde jokes don't offend her because "I'm not blonde." Being an iconic one paid off in her case, but Paris Hilton?
Sigh.
You know what this society needs? No, iconic brunette is too obvious, and then the iconic redheads will want equal time, and all the fun will get sucked out of being iconic.
It's time for an iconic "whatever you call someone who's got gray streaks growing in and gray hairs scattered throughout." Someone who, when you take a first look at her, you think, this woman has wisdom. This woman is distinguished. This woman is weary of trying to cover it all up and trying to look younger. She's graying and she's not afraid to let it show!
Alas, most people look right through those women, like we don't exist. No one designs clothes for us, unless you want to spend your life in painted sweat shirts with puppies in baskets or ones that say "Senior Citizen: Give me my damned discount." No one markets to us, except maybe laxative companies. No men pursue us unless they're trying to squeeze money out of us for a life insurance policy we've never too old for. The only jewelry we're offered has an alarm on it in case we fall down and can't get up. We've gone from sports car to minivan to one of those scooters to get around the house in.
It's hard to be an icon when no one sees you.
So, let's jump up and say hey! Look at me! I'm graying. I'm proud. I"m sick to death of sensible shoes and polyester pantsuits and frizzy perms! I'm smart. I have experience and wisdom to offer the world. I'm capable. And if it takes being useless and dumb like Paris Hilton to make our mark in the world, then we challenge that! Will Paris Hilton find her groove when she hits menopause hard enough to rattle her little brain? It takes guts, not beauty, to age. Ironic isn't it?
We're the iconic ironics!
Amazing stuff you can read in Time. This was the Christmas edition when "everyone" was named person of the year. Hold your applause, please; I share this award with so many....
Anyway, how can I accept applause when I've been overshadowed by an "iconic blonde?" There featured among quotes from notable people was one that went something like "every era has an iconic blonde like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana. This is my time." Paris Hilton said it.
So that's what she does! Who among us has ever said "When I grow up I want to be an iconic blonde?" Who among us would imagine that Paris Hilton would know what 'iconic' means? You think of blonde you usually affix the prefix "dumb." Hence the jokes. Think Anna Nicole Smith. Think Dolly Parton who says blonde jokes don't offend her because "I'm not blonde." Being an iconic one paid off in her case, but Paris Hilton?
Sigh.
You know what this society needs? No, iconic brunette is too obvious, and then the iconic redheads will want equal time, and all the fun will get sucked out of being iconic.
It's time for an iconic "whatever you call someone who's got gray streaks growing in and gray hairs scattered throughout." Someone who, when you take a first look at her, you think, this woman has wisdom. This woman is distinguished. This woman is weary of trying to cover it all up and trying to look younger. She's graying and she's not afraid to let it show!
Alas, most people look right through those women, like we don't exist. No one designs clothes for us, unless you want to spend your life in painted sweat shirts with puppies in baskets or ones that say "Senior Citizen: Give me my damned discount." No one markets to us, except maybe laxative companies. No men pursue us unless they're trying to squeeze money out of us for a life insurance policy we've never too old for. The only jewelry we're offered has an alarm on it in case we fall down and can't get up. We've gone from sports car to minivan to one of those scooters to get around the house in.
It's hard to be an icon when no one sees you.
So, let's jump up and say hey! Look at me! I'm graying. I'm proud. I"m sick to death of sensible shoes and polyester pantsuits and frizzy perms! I'm smart. I have experience and wisdom to offer the world. I'm capable. And if it takes being useless and dumb like Paris Hilton to make our mark in the world, then we challenge that! Will Paris Hilton find her groove when she hits menopause hard enough to rattle her little brain? It takes guts, not beauty, to age. Ironic isn't it?
We're the iconic ironics!
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