What money can buy

Someone once said that the rich are different from you and me. Well, duh. Of course they are, they have more money.

Money seems to make a difference in more than just the ability to buy stuff. Only the very rich seem to be able to take up causes. The rest of us are too busy trying to keep up with gas prices. It seems that Sheryl Crow has taken up saving the earth and her suggestion for conservation is that people should use only one square of toilet paper per visit to the restroom.

Now I don't know where she's buying her Charmin, but the stuff I buy won't cut it. One square? Maybe you can blot your lipstick on one square, but you can't blot much of anything else.

Decency prevents me from exploring this subject further. We could, you know, consider the possibility of recycling as in taking it a step beyond cloth diapers vs. disposable ones and make reusable bathroom cleansing devices. Or bring back corn cobs. Better Ms. Crow should consider, as has been suggested elsewhere, curtailing the use of her private aircraft if she wants to help save the earth.

Or she could take up another cause. I once lived in the same town she comes from. I know some of her family. They're nice people. In that town is a courthouse that, at one time and maybe it still does, had signs posted admonishing "no spitting on walls or floors."

Seriously.

In this day and age that sign is still needed? So imagine my glee when I learned that the city council of Fairview Heights, Ill., is considering an anti-spitting ordinance. They say it's to protect their police officers from people who spit on them.

Rough crowd there.

I've been to Fairview Heights. Maybe they need that. But men in other communities seem to regard spitting as a right of passage into manhood. But it seems that men who have money and a certain amount of class don't spit. At least not in public.

You don't see men in chauffer driven limos roll down their tinted windows and hork one on the street.

You don't see bankers driving their own Lexuses or lawyers in Mercedes lean out and spit. You do see bubbas in pickup trucks lean out and aim for the asphalt.

It doesn't always have anything to do with tobacco use. Some men expectorate because it seems to be expected. But it seems that the higher one goes on the social strata, the less inclined they are to spit in public.

Maybe they can afford to hire someone to do that for them. Whatever. It can't be doing the earth any good. It's unsanitary, unhealthy and it's disgusting.

Good luck to Fairview Heights. You can't legislate good sense. Otherwise, there wouldn't be people who demand the right to ride motorcycles without a helmet and cars without seat belts. And spit on the streets. Or in courthouses.

Maybe money does buy class. The rest of us can afford the toilet paper.

What are the odds?

This week has a Friday the 13th, an unlucky day.

Some people would have no luck at all if it weren't for bad luck. Others just seem to land on their feet no matter what happens to them. Some of them deserve that; others I work with and wonder about.

A wagering web-site BetUS.com predicts some of the odds of having a truly awful Friday the 13th:

The World to End: 1,000,000/1
You lose your job: 100/1 (been there)
Your spouse leaves you: 500/1
You throw out your back: 250/1
You go bankrupt: 500/1
You get a flat tire: 50/1 (been there several times)
You break your leg: 100/1
A bird will poop on you: 100/1 (been there, blasted pigeon)
You will get sick: 50/1 (oh give me a break, been there, done that, got the T-shirt)
You will get locked out of your house/apt: 50/1 (hate to admit it, but been there)
Your car will get towed: 100/1 (ditto)
You will get a ticket (speeding, parking, etc.): 50/1 (oy vey!)
You will lose all your hair: 250/1
Your car will get stolen: 100/1 (twice in one weekend)
You will find money: 50/1 (found a penny this morning)
You will slip on banana peel: 100/1
You will win the lottery: 500/1 (seriously overestimating my luck)

For women of my generation, the M&M years (between menopause and Medicare) it was a matter of great luck that our birth control worked. For Anna Nicole Smith it didn't seem to matter. Three men fought for the privilege of admitting paternity to her child and now Larry Birkhead is jubilant about his fatherhood. And our mothers always said no man would respect us, and would deny paternity, if we gave in to temptation and then got pregnant. It worked for her. What are the odds?

Maybe the same odds as a ditzy former stripper has of marrying a rich old man about to buy the farm.

About the same as Don Imus getting invited to speak at an NAACP Convention.

What if....?

You know, I'm not sure this world is in good hands.

In a reflective moment, I was wondering what I'd do if I had only 24 hours left on earth and knew it. I wasn't being deep. A much younger co-worker in a job it usually takes years to work up to, but got it because he's young and works cheap, had asked me a really dumb question. And I was feeling frustrated by my limited diabetic diet. I pretty much know what I would do, but it made me curious. What would other people do if they had only 24 hours left?

So, I googled the question and read several sites. Then I was goggled, if that's a word, by what I found.

Granted, most people who post blogs and respond to stuff like this are young people who are more computer savvy and have more time on their hands. Maybe it's because they haven't lived long enough to achieve any measurable depth, or maybe they were just being smart-asses as young people can be, but I found their responses dismaying.

Many responded they'd go sky diving without a parachute. Or they'd steal a car and go out in a flaming crash. You got 24 hours; you're going to die at the end of it, why hasten it so painfully?

Predictably some said they'd party hard, get drunk or stoned, and be wild and crazy.

Many said they'd go on stealing and killing rampages; some said they'd rape every woman they could. Where is all this anger coming from? I found that chilling.

One was honest: "I'd wallow in self pity." What a waste of a day.

Another said he/she would "say all the things I wanted to say, good or bad." Silly kid. When you get to be older, you do that anyway. Besides, 24 hours to say a lifetime of what you've always wanted to say isn't enough.

Some said they'd travel as far as they could. Obviously they have no experience with waiting in an airport or rush hour traffic; they wouldn't get far in 24 hours. Can we say anticlimactic?

Maybe they're just too young to realize how important it is to make the most of a day. In other words, why wait until it's your last day on earth to tell people you love them, make your peace with your enemies, and try to earn brownie points into heaven?

What would I do if I had only a day left? I know what I wouldn't do: unlike the people I found on the web, I wouldn't steal money to give it away, or max out my credit cards for useless items to give to friends. Let them get their own stuff.

Nor would I be as altruistic, and as poetic, as the late Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King who said, "Even if I knew that tomorrow would go to pieces, I'd still plant an apple tree today."

I got one day left on this earth, I'm gonna put on some baggy sweats and eat my way out of a bakery; jelly doughnuts, look out!