Searching for my inner badass

I now have a new goal in life.

Notice please that I didn't say resolution. It's that time of year, I know, but by now I have established that I don't make resolutions. Some might say it would be a waste of effort; I say I don't need to make any.

But I can have a new goal, so I do.

I saw a photo of a cat recently with a caption under it that says "Tap into your inner badass."

That's my goal. I will tap into my inner badass.

Cats come by that naturally. The one in the photo reeked of inner badass-ness, and he was gorgeous. Tapping into mine may take a little work.

Sometimes my inner badass comes out when I'm driving, and I encounter an idiot on a cell phone who hasn't yet mastered doing two things at once. I don't know if the cell phone conversation is lacking, but the driving usually is, and I'm compelled to point that out using my middle finger.

Maybe tapping into my inner badass means saying what I think, but that gets complicated. I thought being able to do that came with age. As I get older I say what I think but it doesn't seem to have much effect. Either people expect that from older women or they're not listening. Either way, I don't seem to be badassing.

So I Googled inner badass just to keep all my bases covered. Others apparently have the same idea I do; there're 248,000 results for "inner badass" on Google. Most of them have to do with dating and fashion. Maybe if I bought leather pants I'd look like a fashion badass. But I keep wondering how much it costs to clean leather pants, so there goes my badass image, right into a puddle of practicality. Gotta work on that.

Maybe if I got some piercings. I got my ears pierced when I was 19 and I fainted. I've had brain surgery, but would I take the time and effort to get more piercings now that I have a basis for comparison? Probably not.

Maybe it's an attitude that shows through. Like Paul Newman in his younger days, you looked at him and knew he was a badass. He still has that look about him, come to think of it. Bette Davis had a certain badass quality about her. Ditto Debra Winger, Shirley McLaine. Jane Fonda tried to, but I don't think it worked for her, really. I try repeating to myself, "yeah, what's it to you?" And "You and what army?" Then I think back to how many times lately I've needed to use those phrases.

Sigh.

There's a fine line between being a badass and being rude. I don't want to be rude. No one likes rude, but people do appreciate a good badass. But a badass doesn't care what people think. Thus, the dilemma.

I still want to tap into my inner badass. I just have to find it first.

Resolutions for those who really need them - not me

So we’re getting close to the new year, and you can almost hear the sound of shattering New Year’s resolutions from afar.
Not that I ever make any. To make a resolution at any time of the year would be like admitting imperfection. I like me the way I am.
Besides, it’s easier to make New Year’s resolutions for someone else. It takes an impartial observer to size up where someone is lacking and then make constructive suggestions for improvement.
So in the interest of helping others in need, I offer some New Year’s resolutions to those who seem to be in need.

Heather Mills McCartney (concerning her rather vituperative remarks about her divorce from her ex-husband): Take the advice from a venerable old song and “Let It Be.” I wonder who wrote that?

Sen. Larry Craig: Keep your closets clean and tidy. Are you loitering in them? Maybe you shouldn’t.

The members of the food police who tell us what’s bad for us: Have a doughnut. Go on. Enjoy!

The ditzy drivers who have nearly T-boned me on the roads (I would say you know who you are, but chances are you don’t, but neither do I): Leave your cell phone in your purse or pocket, whichever is applicable. Try to make 2008 the year you focus on one task at a time, first get there; then make your calls.

Britney Spears: Get in control — start with birth control (“Oops I Did It Again” never was all that clever), then work your way up to control of your habits and your life.

Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Edward, Mitt Romney, ad nauseam: Be nice. Play fair. Go away.

O.J. Simpson: Take up a hobby. I don’t advise collecting sports memorabilia or writing your memoirs. Maybe something in the way of helping the community.

Producers of TV “reality” shows: Get real. Really.

U.S. Congress: Oh, my. Where to begin? A pork-free existence? Live within our means (no, that’s not a typo; they are OUR means you’re living within)? But just for starters, give us the kind of health care benefits you have. We’ll go from there next year.

Barry Bonds, Mark Maguire, etc.: Say it ain’t so.

The Hershey Company: Create a chocolate bar that has zero carbs, no sugar, no fat, and tastes like a Hershey bar.

Nestle, Ghirardeli, and Godiva: Beat Hershey to the punch.

Sarah Lee: Do the same with jelly doughnuts and cheesecake.

Welcome to my gratitude journal

I've been thinking ahead lately to New Year's — partly because it's a way of getting past this stressful Christmas season and partly because time flies so fast it'll be here before you know it. I don't make resolutions any more. I kind of like me the way I am.

But I think I might try a gratitude journal. I've heard it's a good idea. You write down things you're grateful for or about, and if you try hard enough eventually you really do feel some kind of gratitude and it becomes ingrained in you. Who knows. It might work.

So I'm going to give it a try, starting now. Might as well get a jump on New Year's.

First off, I'm truly grateful that I have all the fingers on both my hands. That's pretty basic, but if you've bought movies or CDs lately you might recognize how fleeting those digits might be. You almost need a blow torch to get into the plastic prison those discs are encased in. Once you do, you need an ice pick, or an illegal knife, to get the cellophane wrapper off. By the time I actually open the case and slip out the disc, I've burned at least 500 calories from the aerobic activity of trying to get to a CD of relaxing music. So I'm really grateful that after all that, I still have all my fingers.

This gratitude stuff isn't too hard. I'll try another one.

I'm so glad I was gifted with what used to be called horse sense. Common sense. It's pretty uncommon any more. Take for instance those hermetically sealed DVDs and CDs. Manufacturers and stores seal them in plastic to keep them from being stolen, but you know, if someone wants them bad enough they'll find a way. They'll just take the whole shebang and probably have to back the car over them to get them out of the plastic. If thieves can spirit away entire jugs of liquor and conceal entire hams in their baggy clothing, those things pose no problems. Stores and manufacturers haven't figured that out yet, and so they make it difficult for cash-paying customers to enjoy their purchases. I figured that one out. Sure glad I have that much sense.

This is getting easier. If I try real hard, maybe as I get into this gratitude stuff and eventually I'll find a reason to be grateful for those little oval stickers people put on fresh vegetables and fruit. There's gotta be a nutritious benefit to the glue that binds them to produce skin since sometimes there are as many as six of those little sticker thingies on one tomato. I'll bet if I think about it long enough, while I'm picking little oval stickers out of the dishwasher and off the counter top where they seem to take root once I get them off my apples and pears, I'll find a reason to be thankful. Maybe I'll be grateful that they're so small that if I do accidentally ingest one, I won't choke on it.

WIth my luck, I probably will. Looks like this gratitude thing is going to need a little work.