It's in the cards

I think I've made a huge mistake, and I don't know what to do about it. In fact, I've made this mistake many times. I simply had no idea.

Last week I bought some items at a health food store, and the checkout guy stuck a health-related magazine in my bag of stuff. I flipped through it and saw one of those subscription cards in it. You know the cards; all magazines have at least a dozen of them. Normally I just mindlessly rip them out and throw them away, but for some reason, I read this one. It had a checkoff list of health concerns I might want information about in future issues, and a box to check indicating that I wanted a free subscription to the magazine. Next to that was a little box to mark if I didn't want a free subscription.

Huh?

I'm supposed to fill these things out if I DON'T want a subscription too? Think of how many of those cards I failed to fill out and mail thinking that if they didn't get a card from me, then they must know that I decline their invitation to subscribe.

I wonder how many people are searching for all those people who, like myself, failed to turn in a card saying "No thanks. I don't want one."

I am so, so sorry. I didn't know.

All those little cards are postage pre-paid, so you don't have to use your own stamp. I wonder what kind of tizzy the people at the magazine office get into when they get cards back saying, no thanks, but no one bothered to fill out the rest of the card. They'd have a rejection, but wouldn't know who it came from. And they'd have to pay for it too.

Some years ago I saw author Calvin Trillin on a TV program talking about those little prepaid cards. He said he would politely write something cheery on the face of them and send them back so as not to waste the prepaid postage. Something like "no, I don't want the free offer, but thank you for asking anyway."

Web sites exist that are devoted to suggestions for doing the same thing with those prepaid envelopes that come with offers for credit cards, with a cautionary note to be sure to remove anything that can be traced back to you. Some even suggest even shredding the offer, stuffing it in the prepaid envelope and mailing it back. What a clever thought: it frees up landfill space and makes good use of the postage paid envelope.

Some subscription offers come on post cards where you can indicate that you do want the subscription and want to be billed, or you can check a little box that says "check enclosed." On a post card. Where do they think you're going to put the check? If you fill out the card, write a check and put it in an envelope, you've wasted the money they spent on prepaid postage, not to mention your own stamp. So it takes twice as much postage than it should to get the card to its destination. Considering this, why does the price of postage go up every year? The Postal Service should be rolling in money.

So now I wonder what to do with that card from the health magazine. Should I fill it out and check the box that says no, and send it back? If I do, will they send me a letter asking why I turned down something free? If I don't fill out my name and address, but send back the check-marked card, will someone track me down? I also wonder how much they spend on postage to get a pile of blank cards back? Who's writing the copy on those cards, anyway? What were they thinking? Or did some higher-paid higher-up look over a submitted prototype and say, "you know, this is good, but I think we need a box for people to say they don't want it."

And as soon as I figure out all that, I'm going to work on why voice mail messages say, "If you have a touch tone phone, and you know your party's extension, you may DIAL it at any time.