Ever wonder why:
Eight ounces of coffee at a convenience store costs more than 32 ounces of soda?
The day before vacation drags by, but the day before you go back to work whizzes past like a tiger was chasing it?
No one makes T-strap flats any more. Or am I the only one who remembers the girl dancers on American Bandstand wearing them, and how cool those shoes were?
Whenever there's a product that's just about perfect the way it is, someone has to go and improve it. But then it isn't really improved. My favorite grocery store has discontinued 10 pound bags of cheap store-brand cat litter, saying it will be back after the manufacturer makes some "packaging changes." I'm taking bets that it'll either cost more, the cats will hate it, or it won't be in convenient 10-pound, easy-to-carry bags, but will be super-sized to the point it can't be carried or lifted into and out of a car trunk.
You take a chance and run into a store for a quick purchase. You're in baggy sweats, no makeup, your hair's a mess and you see everyone you know. Including an old boyfriend who dumped you years ago and you still want him to regret it. But when you're dressed to the nines and lookin' good, you don't see a soul you know.
What does dressed to nines mean?
Correlative: You take that chance running into the store looking like death on a stick and they're out of what you went in for.
You find a flavor of catfood your feline-American will eat willingly and with gusto, and the store doesn't have that flavor in stock. You ask when it will be restocked, and keep coming back asking about that flavor until they're sick of seeing you. They get the stuff in, you load up on it and then the cat won't eat it.
This also applies to children and certain types of breakfast cereal, husbands and brands of beer, teenage girls and yogurt, the list goes on.
Your car develops a symptom that goes away whenever it's within 500 feet of a mechanic.
Your boss is never around when you're busy churning out enough work for three people, but when you have a little down time, he's flitting around like a hungry mosquito.
The more you need to hurry home the greater the likelihood you'll hit every red light on the way.
The possibility that a group of children will sit behind you in a public place is in direct proportion to the possibility they'll kick the row of seats you're in throughout the entire time you're sitting there.
The later you are for work, the greater the likelihood you can't find your car keys.
Correlative: the greater the likelihood also the keys are in an obvious place that you've searched several times already.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Advice for graduates
Sure signs of spring: flowers, birds, allergy sufferers sneezing into their elbows, and graduations.
No one remembers graduation speeches. I don't remember my high school graduation speech although I remember who gave it. I didn't go to my college commencement. Why sit in the sun in a hot gown and goofy hat for hours on end when I can get the diploma through the mail? I didn't go to college without learning at least one practical thing.
No one remembers the speeches probably because no one really listens. They're all waiting to grab that diploma, go to a graduation party, sleep off the hangover and then begin the business of LIVING! Freedom! Emancipation! Great hopes and achievements!
Yeah right.
No one ever asked me to give a graduation speech, but since no one really listens to them, I'm going to give one anyway.
Forget all that stuff people tell you at this time of your life about going forth and being the hope of the future. That's just what people say to motivate young people to get up, get out and get a job. Hope of the future? That's a hell of a load to put on the shoulders of someone who still needs Mom to wash his underwear. Every four years or so we hear about people who claim to be the country's hope for the future if we'll just let them be president, and they still get trapped in bureaucratic mire. Hope is just the carrot on the end of the stick.
You'll hear people who tell you that now's the time to soar. To fly. To be like the eagles. You'll find out soon enough that you'll do well to get a good running start on life. If you try to soar before you learn how to get off the ground, someone's going to grab you by the knees and pull you back to earth. Take it slow and steady. And learn how to kick. Hard.
The future isn't this bright, shining misty moment out there somewhere that you're going to conquer. It's just inevitable. It's day to day. Ups and downs. Laughter and tears. Triumphs and losses. It's life.
Just give it your best shot. Have faith in someone or something bigger than yourself. Be honest, work hard, keep your cell phone in your pocket while you're driving, and don't address older women as "young lady." Don't wear white shoes and belts with polyester pants and matching shirts, and avoid home permanents.
Stop and smell the roses. Be loved by a pet. Avoid Spandex if you're chunky. Don't spend more than you earn. And don't gripe about the government if you didn't vote.
Actually, all anyone really expects from you graduates has nothing to do with soaring with eagles, roaring like lions, or boring like commencement speakers.
Just pay your taxes and keep your nose clean.
That about says it.
No one remembers graduation speeches. I don't remember my high school graduation speech although I remember who gave it. I didn't go to my college commencement. Why sit in the sun in a hot gown and goofy hat for hours on end when I can get the diploma through the mail? I didn't go to college without learning at least one practical thing.
No one remembers the speeches probably because no one really listens. They're all waiting to grab that diploma, go to a graduation party, sleep off the hangover and then begin the business of LIVING! Freedom! Emancipation! Great hopes and achievements!
Yeah right.
No one ever asked me to give a graduation speech, but since no one really listens to them, I'm going to give one anyway.
Forget all that stuff people tell you at this time of your life about going forth and being the hope of the future. That's just what people say to motivate young people to get up, get out and get a job. Hope of the future? That's a hell of a load to put on the shoulders of someone who still needs Mom to wash his underwear. Every four years or so we hear about people who claim to be the country's hope for the future if we'll just let them be president, and they still get trapped in bureaucratic mire. Hope is just the carrot on the end of the stick.
You'll hear people who tell you that now's the time to soar. To fly. To be like the eagles. You'll find out soon enough that you'll do well to get a good running start on life. If you try to soar before you learn how to get off the ground, someone's going to grab you by the knees and pull you back to earth. Take it slow and steady. And learn how to kick. Hard.
The future isn't this bright, shining misty moment out there somewhere that you're going to conquer. It's just inevitable. It's day to day. Ups and downs. Laughter and tears. Triumphs and losses. It's life.
Just give it your best shot. Have faith in someone or something bigger than yourself. Be honest, work hard, keep your cell phone in your pocket while you're driving, and don't address older women as "young lady." Don't wear white shoes and belts with polyester pants and matching shirts, and avoid home permanents.
Stop and smell the roses. Be loved by a pet. Avoid Spandex if you're chunky. Don't spend more than you earn. And don't gripe about the government if you didn't vote.
Actually, all anyone really expects from you graduates has nothing to do with soaring with eagles, roaring like lions, or boring like commencement speakers.
Just pay your taxes and keep your nose clean.
That about says it.
Friday, May 2, 2008
A talent for -- well, what?
When I was a kid growing up, back in the stone age when the price of gasoline was in double digits and both were to the right of the decimal point, my friends and I would imagine what we'd be when we grew up. (I still want to know but that's another blog.)
We were going to be either teachers or secretaries or perhaps housewives, but it never, ever occurred to us to be anything — well, creative.
Like a professional train wreck.
Every now and then I hear something on the news about country music singer Mindy McCready. Who, you say? Yeah, that's right. She hasn't had a song out in about four years, longer than that for a song anyone remembers.
But she gets news time for either being drunk, or being beat up by a boyfriend, or the latest is having messed around as a juvenile with a much-older married sports figure.
Mindy, dear, have you learned nothing from Britney Spears? If you have no particular talent, then go quietly away and find something else to do.
Actually I thought some of her songs were kind of cute, but she doesn't seem to be focusing on her singing as much as she is on the notion that bad publicity is better than none at all.
So maybe she wanted to be a singer, and that hasn't quite worked out. She needs to learn what the next step is. It's a step out.
There are singers and then there are singers like Patsy Cline, who had an "interesting" personal life herself, but the woman could flat out sing the phone book. When we think of Patsy Cline today, we remember her rich voice singing "She's Got You," and it doesn't matter that the song is older than radial tires. It's a great song. All her songs are great because she had a great talent.
Mindy on the other hand gave it a shot. Some of her songs were good, most are forgettable. Sometimes our dreams just don't work out. Time for Plan B.
So Mindy, listen up. No one cares that your life is like the lyrics of a country western song. You don't have the talent to sing it. Go to beauty school. Learn to be a dental technician. Find another way to make a living. Then go quietly into the night.
And stay there.
We were going to be either teachers or secretaries or perhaps housewives, but it never, ever occurred to us to be anything — well, creative.
Like a professional train wreck.
Every now and then I hear something on the news about country music singer Mindy McCready. Who, you say? Yeah, that's right. She hasn't had a song out in about four years, longer than that for a song anyone remembers.
But she gets news time for either being drunk, or being beat up by a boyfriend, or the latest is having messed around as a juvenile with a much-older married sports figure.
Mindy, dear, have you learned nothing from Britney Spears? If you have no particular talent, then go quietly away and find something else to do.
Actually I thought some of her songs were kind of cute, but she doesn't seem to be focusing on her singing as much as she is on the notion that bad publicity is better than none at all.
So maybe she wanted to be a singer, and that hasn't quite worked out. She needs to learn what the next step is. It's a step out.
There are singers and then there are singers like Patsy Cline, who had an "interesting" personal life herself, but the woman could flat out sing the phone book. When we think of Patsy Cline today, we remember her rich voice singing "She's Got You," and it doesn't matter that the song is older than radial tires. It's a great song. All her songs are great because she had a great talent.
Mindy on the other hand gave it a shot. Some of her songs were good, most are forgettable. Sometimes our dreams just don't work out. Time for Plan B.
So Mindy, listen up. No one cares that your life is like the lyrics of a country western song. You don't have the talent to sing it. Go to beauty school. Learn to be a dental technician. Find another way to make a living. Then go quietly into the night.
And stay there.
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