Advice for graduates

Sure signs of spring: flowers, birds, allergy sufferers sneezing into their elbows, and graduations.

No one remembers graduation speeches. I don't remember my high school graduation speech although I remember who gave it. I didn't go to my college commencement. Why sit in the sun in a hot gown and goofy hat for hours on end when I can get the diploma through the mail? I didn't go to college without learning at least one practical thing.

No one remembers the speeches probably because no one really listens. They're all waiting to grab that diploma, go to a graduation party, sleep off the hangover and then begin the business of LIVING! Freedom! Emancipation! Great hopes and achievements!

Yeah right.

No one ever asked me to give a graduation speech, but since no one really listens to them, I'm going to give one anyway.

Forget all that stuff people tell you at this time of your life about going forth and being the hope of the future. That's just what people say to motivate young people to get up, get out and get a job. Hope of the future? That's a hell of a load to put on the shoulders of someone who still needs Mom to wash his underwear. Every four years or so we hear about people who claim to be the country's hope for the future if we'll just let them be president, and they still get trapped in bureaucratic mire. Hope is just the carrot on the end of the stick.

You'll hear people who tell you that now's the time to soar. To fly. To be like the eagles. You'll find out soon enough that you'll do well to get a good running start on life. If you try to soar before you learn how to get off the ground, someone's going to grab you by the knees and pull you back to earth. Take it slow and steady. And learn how to kick. Hard.

The future isn't this bright, shining misty moment out there somewhere that you're going to conquer. It's just inevitable. It's day to day. Ups and downs. Laughter and tears. Triumphs and losses. It's life.

Just give it your best shot. Have faith in someone or something bigger than yourself. Be honest, work hard, keep your cell phone in your pocket while you're driving, and don't address older women as "young lady." Don't wear white shoes and belts with polyester pants and matching shirts, and avoid home permanents.

Stop and smell the roses. Be loved by a pet. Avoid Spandex if you're chunky. Don't spend more than you earn. And don't gripe about the government if you didn't vote.

Actually, all anyone really expects from you graduates has nothing to do with soaring with eagles, roaring like lions, or boring like commencement speakers.

Just pay your taxes and keep your nose clean.

That about says it.