If I Ruled the World

If I ruled the world — that's more than just a song by Tony Bennett. It's a lament for some order in this chaotic place. The world is going nuts.

I'm not talking about the obvious war and pestilence. I'm talking about the little things that can make someone snap like a dry twig under an Ugg boot.

Take apostrophes for instance. Please. Take them out of words they don't need to be in. Such as beauty shops with big honking signs that say "Kut's and More."

Kut's what? What belongs to Kut?

And while we're on the subject, for heaven's sake what's wrong with "Cuts"? Are you reaching out for illiterate clientele who think cuts is spelled with a K? They probably cut their own hair. Spell it right! Same with restaurants. I would be afraid to eat in a place called Kuntry Kitchen. If they can't spell, I certainly don't feel safe eating their food.

The world would be a better place if people would just treat vegetables with respect. That means cooking them properly so one can actually taste the vegetable. The Campbell's Soup Company had the nerve recently to celebrate the anniversary of the horrible thing it did to green beans when it dumped mushroom soup concentrate on them and came up with that goshawful green bean casserole. And who decreed that broccoli is improved by soaking it with melted cheese? Both dishes ruined the veggies by adding fat, cholestrol, and a load of salt, causing arteries over the world to back up like a failing septic tank.

Some poor creatures out there are lamenting their bad health. "I don't know why my cholesterol is so high and I can't lose weight. I eat my five vegetables a day." Yeah. Green bean casserole, broccoli and cheese, fried zucchini, squash and rice casserole, and fried okra. They're the same people who eat "nothing but salad" made up of a little lettuce, cheese, eggs, salami, and a cup and a half of mayonnaise.

If I ruled the world, children would not be allowed to record the message on telephone answering machines. Hell, they wouldn't be allowed to answer the phone until they were old enough to pay the bill.

And while we're on that subject, answering machines would have to give you enough time to record your message before clicking off. If you don't want to listen to the message, then don't get a machine. By the time a person says his name and please call me at 555- the thing clicks off. I once called back one company with that kind of answering machine right after being disconnected and left the message: "Your tape is too short." And then I hung up.

And the world is a better place since I did that. At least I feel better about it.

I have other things I would like to change about the world. But it's a big world and change comes slowly. Might as well start small.

Besides, I may need to use them in another blog someday.

15 minutes of fame

Andy Warhol once said everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. Everyone?

I'm waiting.

Where's my 15 minutes? Did Andy use up some of my time? He certainly had more than 15 minutes. Maybe Britney, Paris, Lindsay, ad nauseum crowded in on my 15 minutes. They've had way too much fame-time, and if you ask me they squandered it. I'd make much better use of it.

Maybe I missed out on my 15 minutes because I wasn't at the right place at the right time. Story of my life. When they were passing out fame magnets, I was in another line getting extra fat molecules. Who knew?

I must have been struggling to get my voluptuous body into skinny jeans when my 15 minutes came due. It takes time to get jeans over lush curves. Then again, that ought to qualify for some kind of fame, zipping up jeans once you get them on.

Perhaps I slept through it. Must have been waiting for my vitamins to kick in and dozed off.

Or rather I was caught in traffic. Yeah, that's it. I was stuck in traffic when my fame time came. Instead of looking out for signs of 15 minutes of fame, I was focusing on cars coming out from the McDonald's drive-through. Some of the drivers were on cell phones, some were chowing down on Big Macs, some were doing both. None of them saw the other cars on the street they were pulling into. They caused me to miss my fame. Almost caused me to set off my airbags.

And if I missed my 15 minutes of fame because I was being force-fed political propaganda that comes at me from all sides, I'm really going to be ticked. Ninety percent of those people running for office could have used their own 15 minutes for better reasons than running for office, and now they're cutting in on mine. Probably tax me for it too.

I've missed out on so many opportunities for my 15 minutes of fame that if I ever stumbled onto them, I'd probably never recognize them. And if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with them.

I want my 15 minutes of fame, but I want them on my terms. In my own good time. My way.

That's not asking much.

Is it?

Do You Know What Day It Is?

Isn't January a tedious month? The weather's lousy for the most part; couple that with post-Christmas letdown, and you have a month worth forgetting. Valentine's Day is coming with its attendant chocolate fest, but what do you do in the meantime?

Well, January ain't International Creativity Month for nothing. Let's get creative about what to do for fun in such a bleak, cold, joy-sucking month.

Let's forget that it's California Dried Plum Digestive Month. That's just another way of saying eat prunes to make you regular, and who wants to celebrate that?

It's also Oatmeal Month and Resolve to Eat Breakfast Month: overkill I'd say.

Not only is January National Lose Weight, Feel Great month, but the first week of the month is National Lose Weight, Feel Great week. Maybe January should be National Overkill month; we've just seen two instances of it.

Jan. 11-17 is National Cuckoo Dancing Week. I didn't know cuckoos could dance. Or maybe that one was prompted by watching "Dancing with the Stars."

National Chocolate Covered Cherry day was Jan. 3. Now there's a celebration that should last a month.

Someone must have gotten turned around when Jan. 7 was proclaimed Thank God It's Monday day. Who the hell is grateful for Monday? Someone who didn't expect to make it until then? That person has other reasons to celebrate. Monday stinks!

National Clean Of Your Desk Day is Jan. 14. Rename that one "That'll be the day."

Jan. 12 and Jan. 21 have something in common other than reversed digits: the first celebrates awareness of penguins, the second appreciates squirrels. The following day is Answer Your Cats Questions Day." My cats ask me "when are you going to feed me?" That's easy to answer. On demand. There is no other way with cats. That same day is National Speak up and Succeed Day; the cats are not stupid.

Jan. 24 is both Women in Blue Jeans Day and Women's Healthy Weight Day. It's also Belly Laugh Day. Draw your own conclusions.

Know who Thomas Crapper is? He invented the flush toilet. He just happened to have an unfortunate surname. Jan. 27 is his day. For whateaver reason.

Bubble Wrap day falls on Jan. 28. I visited the UPS store not long ago and stood in awe of a huge roll of bubble wrap there. I wanted to roll around on it. When I asked the clerk there if she were ever tempted to dive into that enormous roll of bubble wrap, she didn't share my enthusiasm for it. In fact, she looked like she thought I was crazy.

We'll wish her a happy Someday We'll Laugh About This week (Jan. 2-5) or a Hunt for Happiness Week (Jan. 20-26). Without popping bubble wrap and a little whimsy, all that's left is Nothing Day (Jan. 16).

Whatever the occasion, have a good one.

Ways to keep warm

It's cold enough to make Al Gore re-think global warming.

Remember back a few months ago when we were all griping about how hot it was? Try to remember how hot it really was, and maybe that will warm you up a little now.

Not working? Here are a few suggestions to get warm on a frosty day.

Think about really thin people, and how much colder it must be for them. They have no reserves. There's no extra padding to warm them up. That ought to make you feel warmer.

No? Let's get specific. Think about that poor scrawny Callista Flockhart. If she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue she'd look like a zipper. Now think abour that poor bony thing snuggling up to Harrison Ford. That makes me all warm and envious. Shoot, skip Callista and think about Harrison. He lights my fire.

Conjure up someone who lights your fire, and let it simmer.

Whip up some hot cocoa.

Or a frenzy.

If you don't have to go anywhere, make a pot of coffee (or tea or cocoa), and find a favorite book. Cuddle up in an overstuffed chair with a blanket and the coffee, in front of a sunny window and enjoy the book. A cat on your lap is optional, but warm.

Chicken noodle soup.

A big bowl of steaming oatmeal with raisins.

Thick cozy socks.

Bulky sweater over jeans. Or a new sweatsuit. New ones always seem warmer.

Get into a political discussion. They're usually heated.

Get busy and chase those dust buffalo out from under your bed. That'll work up a little heat. Forget dust bunnies; it's better to go after the big dust buffalo. You'll feel all warm and fuzzy because you finally cleaned under the bed and because you worked up a sweat doing it.

Consider that those obnoxious kids you see everywhere on skateboards — with baggy clothes and baseball caps worn backwards — will someday lead the county. Or maybe they'll vote. If that doesn't chill you, it'll make you warm with fear.

Homemade bread. You'll heat up the kitchen with the oven and work up some heat kneading it. Sorry, the bread machine doesn't cut it. Gotta do it the hard way. Then enjoy the warm results with some hot tea.

Hot Dr. Pepper with a lemon slice floating in it. Really. It's good; try it.

Bake some cookies.

Cook some chili.

A chenille robe with warm socks.

Snuggle with the dog. Or a cat. Or your sweetie. Or all of the above.

Think about the price of gasoline. If that doesn't make you hot under the collar, then nothing will.