If I had a magic wand, I'd wave it and turn myself into a lawyer.
Don't want to sue anyone. Don't want to lower myself. I want to be a lawyer because lawyers become judges, and that's what I really want.
I want to be the judge that hears Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich's suit against the lunchroom where he bit down on an olive pit. In 2008.
This is so stupid on so many levels. The guy is a congressman. He has better health insurance than anyone else, and it includes dental coverage. So it's not like the dental bills set him back financially. He waited nearly three years to sue. Did that tooth just now start throbbing, or was this just too far down on his to-do list?
Kucinich is seeking damages of $150,000 — because of a broken tooth. No, he says it was because the sandwich was inedible and contained a pit in an olive that was supposed to be pitted.
News flash for you, Kucinich: Pit happens. It says so on the jars they're packed in.
Yes, if I were a judge, I'd throw the book at him for wasting the court's time. If he'd taken daintier bites of his sandwich, he might have noticed the pit before chomping on it. Regular fluoride treatments and flossing might have made for strong healthy teeth that can withstand the occasional olive pit.
I'd find him guilty of gross stupidity, and bar him from eating popcorn that might have unpopped kernels in it, salt-water taffy, peanut brittle, and caramels. The guy has to be stopped!
As a judge I'd also sentence him to weeks of public service — stuffing pimientos into olives.
Then I'd impose an additional fine for gross stupidity, arrogance, and for making me waste a good wave of my magic wand, making me turn into a lawyer instead of making me rich and thin.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
The solution for all that's wrong
I think I know the answer to most of the world's problems.
Bubble wrap.
Has anyone ever popped bubble wrap without a smile? Or a giggle? Or a devious grin that precedes more, maniacal, popping of bubble wrap?
Can't you just see a courtroom situation with one lawyer cross-examining a witness, the other lawyer plotting his response, the judge listening ominously on the bench, when POP! POPPOPPOP!
They'd probably dive under their chairs thinking someone opened fire on them, but imagine how the atmosphere in the room would lighten once the court reporter holds up a flattened sheet of bubble wrap and says, "Hey! No worries! It's just bubble wrap!"
Then they'd all share a good chuckle and the wheels of justice would spin a little faster.
Or imagine what a round of bubble wrap would do at a filibuster in the somber halls of the Senate. Both sides of the aisle would find reason to grin, elbow each other, and look around for a little wrap to roll between bipartisan fingers. It's what this country needs more than half a dozen bridges leading to the side of a cliff to keep the pork flowing back home.
Who knew bubble wrap started out as someone's idea of home decor? In the 1950s someone invented it as a new kind of wallpaper, when texture was a key word in wall covering and not in food preparation. For some reason, the notion just didn't take off. Flocked wallpaper did, but not puffy, popping wallpaper. Who'da thunk it?
It would certainly be a way of making sure you didn't get fingerprints on the walls. One touch in a dark room as you're trying to feel your way in after a late night and POP! Well, maybe that's why it didn't take off.....
If everyone had a shot at bubble wrap on a daily basis, the entire society's sense of humor would improve. At a UPS store not long ago, I saw a huge roll of it, about 5 feet high and several feet across. I asked the clerk if she ever felt, as I did at that moment, the temptation to spread some of on the floor and roll on it.
She definitely needed a sense of humor.
National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day is coming, Jan. 31. I'm saving up!
Bubble wrap.
Has anyone ever popped bubble wrap without a smile? Or a giggle? Or a devious grin that precedes more, maniacal, popping of bubble wrap?
Can't you just see a courtroom situation with one lawyer cross-examining a witness, the other lawyer plotting his response, the judge listening ominously on the bench, when POP! POPPOPPOP!
They'd probably dive under their chairs thinking someone opened fire on them, but imagine how the atmosphere in the room would lighten once the court reporter holds up a flattened sheet of bubble wrap and says, "Hey! No worries! It's just bubble wrap!"
Then they'd all share a good chuckle and the wheels of justice would spin a little faster.
Or imagine what a round of bubble wrap would do at a filibuster in the somber halls of the Senate. Both sides of the aisle would find reason to grin, elbow each other, and look around for a little wrap to roll between bipartisan fingers. It's what this country needs more than half a dozen bridges leading to the side of a cliff to keep the pork flowing back home.
Who knew bubble wrap started out as someone's idea of home decor? In the 1950s someone invented it as a new kind of wallpaper, when texture was a key word in wall covering and not in food preparation. For some reason, the notion just didn't take off. Flocked wallpaper did, but not puffy, popping wallpaper. Who'da thunk it?
It would certainly be a way of making sure you didn't get fingerprints on the walls. One touch in a dark room as you're trying to feel your way in after a late night and POP! Well, maybe that's why it didn't take off.....
If everyone had a shot at bubble wrap on a daily basis, the entire society's sense of humor would improve. At a UPS store not long ago, I saw a huge roll of it, about 5 feet high and several feet across. I asked the clerk if she ever felt, as I did at that moment, the temptation to spread some of on the floor and roll on it.
She definitely needed a sense of humor.
National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day is coming, Jan. 31. I'm saving up!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Just say it!
OK. It's a new year and some people make resolutions. I find resolutions to be a huge waste of time, but there is one thing I want to do now that a fresh new year awaits us like pizza dough awaiting pepperoni.
I'm officially declaring war on political correctness. What has PC gotten us except for a way to dance around subjects and pussyfoot around the truth?
The last straw was when it was suggested that 'illegal aliens' was hurtful and instead should be called 'undocumented foreigners.' Male bovine byproduct! They weren't born here; they're aliens. They sneaked in across the border and are dodging INS agents; they're illegal. Hurtful? Unless you say it in Spanish, it's doubtful they know the difference.
But I digress.....
One of the things I looked forward to when I was young was that when I grew old (see how easy it is?) I could say what was on my mind and people would think it's cute because I'm an old lady. I will not be denied that!
No more will I bite my tongue when some punk calls me "young lady." I know some women of a certain age (oops! Missed one - old ladies) find it flattering, but I find it patronizing and insulting. So next time I hear "How are you young lady," the response will be "Just fine, little man, how are you?"
A few weeks ago I watched with a great deal of pride as a woman older than I responded to a waiter who asked "Can I get you guys anything else?" She replied, "Do we look like guys?"
I dipped my foot in the water recently at a doctor's office. When the nurse asked, "Did we have lab work today," I responded "I had lab work; I don't know about you."
Damn that felt good! Earlier when I stepped on the scale I asked "Now you do allow 20 pounds for clothes, don't you?" She looked at me in all seriousness and said, "Not 20."
The world also needs to develop a sense of humor, but I can tackle only one resolution at a time. After all, I'm old and I can't tackle stuff like I used to."
I'm officially declaring war on political correctness. What has PC gotten us except for a way to dance around subjects and pussyfoot around the truth?
The last straw was when it was suggested that 'illegal aliens' was hurtful and instead should be called 'undocumented foreigners.' Male bovine byproduct! They weren't born here; they're aliens. They sneaked in across the border and are dodging INS agents; they're illegal. Hurtful? Unless you say it in Spanish, it's doubtful they know the difference.
But I digress.....
One of the things I looked forward to when I was young was that when I grew old (see how easy it is?) I could say what was on my mind and people would think it's cute because I'm an old lady. I will not be denied that!
No more will I bite my tongue when some punk calls me "young lady." I know some women of a certain age (oops! Missed one - old ladies) find it flattering, but I find it patronizing and insulting. So next time I hear "How are you young lady," the response will be "Just fine, little man, how are you?"
A few weeks ago I watched with a great deal of pride as a woman older than I responded to a waiter who asked "Can I get you guys anything else?" She replied, "Do we look like guys?"
I dipped my foot in the water recently at a doctor's office. When the nurse asked, "Did we have lab work today," I responded "I had lab work; I don't know about you."
Damn that felt good! Earlier when I stepped on the scale I asked "Now you do allow 20 pounds for clothes, don't you?" She looked at me in all seriousness and said, "Not 20."
The world also needs to develop a sense of humor, but I can tackle only one resolution at a time. After all, I'm old and I can't tackle stuff like I used to."
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