My magic wand

If I had a magic wand, I'd wave it and turn myself into a lawyer.

Don't want to sue anyone. Don't want to lower myself. I want to be a lawyer because lawyers become judges, and that's what I really want.

I want to be the judge that hears Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich's suit against the lunchroom where he bit down on an olive pit. In 2008.

This is so stupid on so many levels. The guy is a congressman. He has better health insurance than anyone else, and it includes dental coverage. So it's not like the dental bills set him back financially. He waited nearly three years to sue. Did that tooth just now start throbbing, or was this just too far down on his to-do list?

Kucinich is seeking damages of $150,000 — because of a broken tooth. No, he says it was because the sandwich was inedible and contained a pit in an olive that was supposed to be pitted.

News flash for you, Kucinich: Pit happens. It says so on the jars they're packed in.

Yes, if I were a judge, I'd throw the book at him for wasting the court's time. If he'd taken daintier bites of his sandwich, he might have noticed the pit before chomping on it. Regular fluoride treatments and flossing might have made for strong healthy teeth that can withstand the occasional olive pit.

I'd find him guilty of gross stupidity, and bar him from eating popcorn that might have unpopped kernels in it, salt-water taffy, peanut brittle, and caramels. The guy has to be stopped!

As a judge I'd also sentence him to weeks of public service — stuffing pimientos into olives.

Then I'd impose an additional fine for gross stupidity, arrogance, and for making me waste a good wave of my magic wand, making me turn into a lawyer instead of making me rich and thin.