Why people don't read instruction manuals

In every large purchase, there's always a pamphlet telling you how to put it together and how to fix it when it breaks.

These manuals are basically worthless.

If you've bought something not made in this country (which is practically everything), you get a manual written in a foreigner's version of English. It has entertainment value, but not much information.

After I assembled the last vacuum cleaner I bought, I looked at the instruction manual — yes in that order — for some of the finer points of using the sweeper. It turn out that the manual drawings don't look anything like the vacuum I bought. This is the case in most items -- the drawing always has a few extra knobs and buttons than the product you bought.

Or you might read something like "this feature not available on Model Number 823B" and you have Model Number 823B. Where are the instructions for 823B — in the box with Model 823A?

So you just put the thing together, hook it up the best way you can. In the case of computer equipment or a DVD player, you call in a 12-year-old who will get it up and running in 30 seconds flat.

But I have the owner's manual problem that beats them all. Recently I bought a new car. The salesman went over all the features of the vehicle with me, but really, how different are cars anyway? I could figure out the lights, wipers, cruise control and all that stuff, but one button on the CD player left me baffled. It left the salesman baffled too.

My car has a cat folder. It's a button that has arrows on it indicating forward and backward.

Chances are that I'll need one are pretty slim. My cats are more than capable of folding themselves. Actually they'd rather stretch. But they're seldom in the car. When they have to go to the vet, they're in carriers and they're crouched and complaining anyway, so why fold them. They're already ticked off.

I pushed the button and nothing happened. And when I went to look for the cats, I found them unfolded.

So I checked the owner's manual. It was predictable. The drawing of the dashboard doesn't look a thing like my dashboard. Actually, there were three drawings, one for however many CDs your player is capable of holding. None of them looked like mine.

But one did have a button marked "folder." It's for storing songs from an iPod. But there was nothing about cats.

So if anyone needs a cat folded, I have a cat folder. I just don't know how to use it.