Fear and loathing in the supermarket

A trip to the supermarket is not for the faint of heart, and lately it has gotten worse.

Shoppers push those metal carts up and down aisles like they're trying to win NASCAR points. When you reach the end of an aisle, you need a traffic signal light to proceed into the crossing aisle to go around the end displays and into the next aisle. Those not so lucky may need a paramedic. It's like a demolition derby in there sometimes.

If that weren't bad enough, some yahoo invented the miniature shopping carts for children to push along while Mom ignores them in favor of checking labels on cans of dog food. Get two or more of those cart-pushing brats in one aisle and the next thing you know they're having a contest to see who can bruise the most ankles of other shoppers who had sense enough to leave their kids at home.

And then there are the shoppers who have to march two abreast down the aisles in unison, chatting all the while, oblivious to anyone who wants to get around them. And we all know about the people who slip in 26 items in the 20-items-or-less aisle claiming that six cans of cat food should count as one item because it's all the same product.

Now we have the extreme couponers. These people are lethal! At the checkout counter, they're worse than people who buy in bulk through WIC. Look for determined-looking women (men wouldn't bother with extreme couponing) with loose-leaf note books full of coupons separated by category.

In the aisles, you can see them balancing their binders on the shopping cart handles while they clear the shelves of every jar of peanut butter, every box of cornflakes, leaving none for anyone else.

They lie in wait at newspaper vending racks, put in enough money for a paper, then clear out the rack of papers to get the coupons. They rifle through stacks of papers on a store counter to get the pages of coupons.

A leisurely stroll among the rutabagas and bottles of ginger ale is a thing of the past. You take your life in your hands just running in for a quick loaf of bread, assuming there's any left after the couponers get there.

Parade was wrong

Last week's Parade magazine published an article comparing cats to dogs as perfect pets. Dogs won.

Well, of course the research was flawed! Obviously the research panel was stacked in favor of dogs. The criteria that determined which pet is better favored the canine bunch.

No one judged either animal on sarcasm. Cats would win paws down. When I give my cat Arthur food he doesn't like, he draws his paw over it like it's something nasty in his litter box. Show me a dog with an opinion!

Generosity. Dogs will bring you anything you throw away, and call it a game of fetch. A cat will bring you something she actually went out and chose: a not-quite-dead mouse.

Parade gave dogs points for herding. Said it was part of the canine work ethic. Cats can herd just as well as dogs can, but they don't limit themselves to sheep or cattle. Cats herd humans -- from the living room to the kitchen to where the cat food and kitty treats are kept. Talk about leadership skills!

Dogs may be loyal and all that, but what dog will risk his life to make sure the food you're eating won't poison you. Both my cats are right there on the spot at every meal, making sure that my meat isn't tainted. If that isn't love I don't know know what is.

Cat people are a different breed of ... well ... cat. We can see the hidden talents of our feline-Americans and should have been better represented on Parade's panel of judges.

Besides, there's nothing more comforting than snuggling up with a sleepy cat and listening to it purr. Show me a dog that can do that!