The simpler the sampler the better

One of my favorite TV channels is the Food Network. I think whoever came up with the idea of an entire network devoted to good things to eat is a genius.

It also says something about the offerings on network TV that I prefer to watch someone chopping onions than some of what passes for entertainment lately.

I first got hooked on the FN watching Rachael Ray throw together her 30-minute meals. She makes you believe that by shortening key terms — EVOO for extra virgin olive oil and delish for delicious — it cuts down cooking time.

Truth be told, it takes the average cook longer than 30 minutes to put together one of Rachael Ray’s 30-minute meals. She can do it in 30 minutes because she has backstage help prepping the food and chopping the ingredients.

Nonetheless she reeled me in and later I started watching Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa. Ina makes cooking elegant food look easy. If the average cook had the well-stocked kitchen Ina has — not to mention her lavish home in the New York Hamptons and the time to flit around to little specialty stores where she shops for ingredients — then maybe we can put a banquet on the table too.

So much for food fiction. It’s still better than daytime soaps and situation comedies after dinner. There’s also the variety food shows like Chopped. Four contestants are given picnic baskets, one for each course, full of such improbable items as chicken feet, horseradish, Kool-Ade, wild garlic and yak’s milk cheese, and are told to put together something wonderful using those ingredients and other items from the pantry and refrigerator in 20 minutes flat, and make it look pretty.

The histrionics displayed during Chopped rival any sketch variety shows used to put on. Stoves suddenly stop working, fires flare up in blenders, contestants nearly sever their fingers with a knife, and — most impressive of all, the judges actually eat the results.

Lately the trend on Food Network has been toward “simple” food. Celebrity chefs tout simple ingredients, locally produced. One such recipe was a soup thrown together using leftover breadcrumbs, ground almonds, and a few other things found in no kitchen ever.

Now I don’t claim to be a chef, but I can put a recipe together and warm up the leftovers. But what passes for “simple” or “rustic” food on the Food Network is out of my reach.

You want simple? I’ll give you simple. It’s also delicious. Three ingredients: a ripe, fresh, locally-grown tomato, white bread, and mayonnaise. The classic, elegant, tomato sandwich.

It doesn’t get any better than that. Unless you add bacon.

Keeping us all safe

Sometimes I have to wonder about the people who have decided they need to keep society safe. Safe from what?

We’re all accustomed to prescription medicine bottles that have child-proof caps no one can get into — except a child. I remember once after a bad arm sprain being given a bottle of pain pills at the emergency room. I needed two arms to open the blasted thing, and I had just the one. I ended up putting the bottle under the rocker of a rocking chair and crushing it open.

And by now we’re becoming accustomed to blister packs — items enshrouded in a plastic bubble that nothing can penetrate. Here’s a tip, but keep it quiet — you can open those with a can opener. But don’t tell anyone or else packagers will make them even harder to get into, and then we might need explosives.

But I’m still scratching my head in wonder about the short electrical cord on small appliances.

According to those who feel they must protect the public from itself, short cords are necessary to keep the appliances from being dragged off the kitchen counter by the cord and onto the floor.

By short cords, I’m talking about a cord no longer than a foot. Short cord.

Not long ago, I bought a coffee bean grinder. It has a cord I swear is only about four inches long. It sits on the kitchen counter and when I need to grind coffee beans, I fill the glass container with the prescribed number of beans, put the lid on it and set the safety catch, and then the gymnastics begin.

In order to plug it into the socket on the wall over the counter, I have to put the grinder on an inverted bowl because the cord won’t reach the socket otherwise. So the grinder is sitting on the bottom of the inverted bowl instead of on the stable counter. It could tip over, especially when I’m trying to reach the on/off switch which was designed to require more clearance under the cabinet than I have because of the need for the bowl. I have to hold it while it grinds the beans into coffee because if I let it go, it will fall off the bowl.

It won’t do me any bodily harm because the grinding blades are safely tucked away in the grinder. But it will spill beans and partially ground coffee all over the counter and under the toaster and the George Forman grill, both which have cords of a manageable length and both of which produce heat.

Now I have a mess to clean up, and I have to start over again grinding coffee beans in a grinder sitting on an inverted bowl because some yahoo somewhere decided that coffee grinders were so dangerous they needed to have a short cord. I face more of a safety risk from the fat catcher in the George Forman grill!

I wonder if I can be trusted with a battery-operated coffee grinder — unless the protectors of the public have banned them.

Keeping your cool

It’s summertime! Maybe not officially, according to the calendar, but the thermometer says it is. And all those folks who griped about the cold winter weather are — nope, not satisfied; they’re now griping about the heat!

We checked a few web sites — MedicineNet.com, Daily Mail, and a blog page by Sophia Breene, and added a few tips of our own to help beat the heat.

The most obvious thing to do is stay inside where it’s air-conditioned. That’s a no-brainer.

But if for some reason you can’t, here’s what you can do:

Stick sheets in the fridge or freezer for a few minutes before bed. We recommend placing them in a plastic bag first. Granted, this won’t keep you cool all night, but it will provide a brief respite from heat and humidity.

The actress Marilyn Monroe was credited for keeping her underwear in the refrigerator before she put them on. She was also credited for keeping her cosmetics and perfume in the fridge during hot summer days. She was one cool actress.

Make a DIY air conditioner by positioning a shallow pan or bowl full of ice in front of a fan. The breeze will pick up cold water from the ice’s surface as it melts, creating a cooling mist.

Drink a glass of water before bed. Just eight ounces will do the trick. Not recommended for people over 50.

Gadgets and other small appliances give off heat, even when turned off. Reduce total heat in the house (and save energy!) by keeping plugs out of sockets when the appliances are not in use.

When you’re at home and you’re pretty sure no one is around, turn on the Slip ‘n Slide and have a few rounds on it.

Eat small meals and eat more often. The larger the meal, the more metabolic heat your body creates breaking down the food. Avoid foods that are high in protein, which increase metabolic heat.

Popsicles! Lots of them! Freeze blueberries, bananas, grapes, cut-up melon and snack on them.

While you're out, keep the house curtains drawn to stop it heating up like a greenhouse.

You should avoid alcohol because it dehydrates the body. You are better off with mineral water or low-sugar fizzy drinks. Also, avoid drinks with caffeine such as coffee and colas. These increase the metabolic heat in the body.

Arrange to spend at least parts of the day in a shopping mall, public library, movie theater, or other public space that is cool. Many cities have cooling centers that are open to the public on sweltering days.

If no one in your neighborhood has a pool, invite them over for a lawn sprinkler party. If the whole street is running through the sprinkler, then no one looks foolish, and you’re all staying cool.

Don't forget that pets also need protection from dehydration and heat-related illnesses too. But don’t squirt the cat!