Olympic events I’d like to see

Everybody has been watching the games in Rio and commenting about how great the athletes are — at least the ones who aren’t doping.

You gotta admire anyone who can swim like Michael Phelps. And how about those gymnasts! I can trip and fall on a dust bunny, and those kids make navigating a balance beam look like a walk in the park.

But there are a few events I wonder about. Ping Pong? Really? An Olympic event? I’m not convinced. One winter sport I’ve wondered about is curling. Maybe it’s fun, I don’t know. Anything involving a broom doesn’t sound like a sport to me. A broom on ice leading what looks like one of those weights you see at the gym. What’s the point of it?

It seems though there are some activities that ought to be Olympic events.

Eating should be one. There are people who enter competitions to see how many hotdogs they can eat in a few minutes time. It seems like a good way to get sick, but they call it competitive eating and they practice for competitions. It seems like the winners are always thin. Instead of doping, maybe they would disqualify themselves by binging and purging.

I’ve always said I can lounge with the best of them. Not luge – going headfirst on your belly on ice. That’s a good way to earn a trip to the emergency room. I have lounging down! A comfortable recliner, a good book, a pot of coffee and a few doughnuts and I can hold that position most of a morning. Extra points would be given for being able to read and sip coffee with a cat on one’s lap without losing your place in the book, spilling coffee or annoying the cat.

Shopping. There are so many ways to go for the gold behind a shopping cart. Competitors would be judged on their ability to scan a department at Kohl’s, find items 60 percent off and still in season, whip out a Master Card and be checked out in the least amount of time. Grocery shoppers would demonstrate how they can load a cart with managers specials while at the same time planning how to cook and serve them, choose vegetables that have no bad spots on them without overturning the display, and buy the freshest bread without squeezing it out of shape. Extra points would go to shoppers who have their coupons organized by expiration date, and in order of purchase. Bonus points go to the shoppers who don’t write a check for the purchase, then record the transaction and balance the checkbook while others in line worry that the milk in their carts will expire before they get to the cashier.

Driving. Competitors in the driving event would have to demonstrate their skill at using a turn signal, their ability to stay in the lane they’re supposed to be in, and show expertise in merging from an off ramp into the Interstate without causing a pileup.

This is just a sample. I’m sure if you put your mind to it you could come up with a few Olympic events of your own — complaining, swearing, sleeping late, maneuvering the TV remote. The list is endless and all are worthy endeavors.