Christmas anxiety in song Sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells”

Christmas anxiety in song

Sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells”

Slogging through the slush

In the mart store parking lot,

I’m in a great big rush

To return the stuff I bought.

The kids have changed their minds

On a list that’s 10 feet long

My wits are gone, my nerves are shot

There’s something very wrong.

Oh, Barbie dolls, shopping malls

Power Rangers pink.

My attitude toward the holidays

Has now begun to stink.

(Repeat)

I’ve had five pounds of fudge,

A fruitcake and eggnog.

My brain has turned to sludge

In a sugar-laden fog.

I’m sending Christmas cards

To people I’m not sure

I know or met or even like

Oh, how can I endure?

Oh, Barbie dolls, shopping malls

Power Rangers blue,

How I’m gonna get through this

I haven’t got a clue.

(repeat)

The kids are wanting drones

Not toys and baby dolls.

It’s iPods and iPhones

Stacked up against the walls.

The stores pipe Christmas tunes

And dogs their carols “arf.”

We’re hearing songs from weird buffoons

That make you want to barf.

Oh, Barbie dolls, shopping malls

Power Rangers red.

I’m gonna lock and bar the door

And hide under the bed.

(repeat)

The neighbors on the block

One-up each other hard

With huge inflated schlock

All swaying in the yard.

There’s Rudolph and his nose

And Frosty man of snow.

There’s candy canes and grapevine wreaths

And plastic mistletoe.

Oh, Barbie dolls, shopping malls

Power Rangers white.

I’m gonna pull on Santa’s beard

And kick him out of spite.

(repeat)

The stores are all quite stocked

With gadgets for the home.

The Christmas trees are flocked

With a toxic coat of foam.

‘Midst all the gimme lists

And huge Black Friday sales

Is a reason for the season

It’s the spirit that prevails.

Oh, Barbie dolls, shopping malls

Power Rangers green.

You know whose day this really is;

Merry Christmas from Chlorine.