Independence Day and buffalo toenails

Every now and then something comes at you sideways. You're just bebopping along, and then WHAM! Where did that come from?

It never really occurred to me until just recently that a whole generation of people, maybe even two, weren't here to celebrate the bicentennial. I remember the bicentennial. I even remember a joke about the bicentennial: What do you get when you trim the hooves of 444 buffalo? 1776 bison toenails.

I never really thought about it, but it's been 30 years since the bicentennial. That makes me feel old. However, on the eve of Independence Day, I am staging my own revolution. And I can be pretty revolting.

I declare independence from any young twit who thinks the bicentennial is ancient history. It seems to me like just yesterday.

I declare independence from any notion that someone who's been around as many blocks as I have should sit down and tend to her knitting. I never did learn how to knit. I ain't gonna learn it now. And you know I'm not talking about long needles and yarn.

I demand the independence to say what I think. Really, that isn't necessary. When a woman of a certain age says what she thinks, three things can happen: 1) someone says, oh, she's just old. 2) Someone else says, oh isn't that cute/shocking/scandalous what that old lady said? 3) Nothing because no one pays attention to anyone older than 30.

I declare independence from having to trust anyone under 30. It used to be never trust anyone over 30, but like my bustline, that's shifted.

I declare independence from being called "young lady." I'm NOT a young lady, dammit, I am old enough to command respect. And why do you think it's necessary for me to think I'm young, or for you to think I'm not old, so you patronize me by calling me young lady?

If you can't remember my name, call me ma'am. And I'll kneecap any little twerp that calls me old lady.

So there!

I long for independence from invisibility. To certain older gentlemen who I've on occasion noticed checking me out, thanks! I needed that. And if you were looking because I had a hanging booger, then thank you for letting me think it was for that other reason.

There are no doubt other reasons to declare independence from or to, but right now I'm declaring independence from having to think about this. I need a nap.