Those Glorious M&M Years

Ever notice in women's magazines how all the beauty and grooming tips are for young women?

There's tips for teens, suggestions for women in their 20s, helpful hints for beauties in their 30s. By the time you hit 40, beauty suggestions start hinting about lasers and liposuction. But once you hit the M&M years — between Menopause and Medicare — grooming tips dry up like dishwater hands.

Well the M&M crowd still likes to make an effort. We want to look good, not for our age, but at our age. We don't want to look younger; what's the point of that? We know too much to carry that look off. What we want is for someone to look at us and say, "damn, she looks good," not "she looks good for her age."

It's all in the attitude. If you think you look good, then you look good. If you keep a running tally of your imperfections then you'll live up to your list. And for some reason, our memory is never better when keeping track of our deficits over our sagging assets.

So here are a few beauty tips I've stumbled on over the years.

Do you miss the feeling of soft, smooth, silky skin? Here's a way of getting it back. Let your leg hair grow for about a week, more if you can stand it and don't have to wear a skirt. Then fill a tub full of warm, scented water with your choice of bubble bath. Get out a new disposable razor, and shave it off. Delight in the contrast between stubble and shaved. It will feel so silky smooth you won't believe it.

One other thing. Consider wearing your glasses when you're luxuriating in the tub and removing the stubble. You'll be surprised how much you can miss if you don't. Glasses aren't necessary for the shower; they'll just steam up and you'll never find the soap.

Also, the Vermont Country Store catalog sells products called Tired Old Ass and Aging Hippie. They're bath salts. I used to keep them around because I thought the labels were funny and added a bit of whimsy to my bathroom decor. Then I actually tried the stuff and found that it does feel good on my tired old ass. As for the aging hippie, you'll have to ask one.

Everyone loves smooth, sexy bare feet. Show them off by wearing sandals and by applying liberal, copious amounts of foot cream - or Vaseline. Also apply liberal amounts of bright polish on the toenails. It's not only flirty, fun and kicky but it masks the fact that your toenails are so thick it takes a blowtorch to keep them trimmed.

Keep a pair of nail scissors in your purse, or if you're afraid of stabbing yourself while looking for your AARP identification so you can get a discount, keep a pair in the glove box of your car. I've found that the best time for discovering that your nose hair needs trimming is when you notice it in your rearview mirror in the bright, unforgiving daylight. A few discreet snips and you're good to go. Don't do this while driving. You might run into some little blonde in a red compact car yakking on her cell phone and not paying attention to where she's going.

Keep your chin up. Not for any reasons of optimism, but because if you look downward while looking in a mirror, it's a scary sight to behold.

Remember that knit pants follow the path of a sagging backside. Think denim. Gabardine is good. Wool is wonderful. Cotton is cool.

Remember when the braless look became a fad? Of course you do if you're an M&M girl, don't deny it. Those days are gone. L-O-N-G gone. Get an industrial strength bra and hoist 'em up. It's bad enough that your ass is dragging.

Follow these simple guidelines and enjoy your M&M status!